The Think Tank - Isle of Wit

2009-11-17T15:52:00.003+08:00

PS.. yours, and/or your obliviousness to them, never cease to amaze me either... and no, this is not meant to be a negative statement. I need not cite the internet.

I'm simply.. .

2009-11-17T13:44:00.001+08:00

Obeying your wishes. Please don't confuse that with spite.

Congrats!

2009-11-13T00:43:00.003+08:00

Nice one, universe. Maybe it's its' way of saying this was all meant to happen... but what am I saying, that's always the case. Wish I could tell you congratulations myself, but that wouldn't be right now would it? In all seriousness, all the best, I mean it... I'd say I'm proud, but you already know that, and what does it matter now? Here you are flying high from the nest - don't look down or back. Maybe one day I'll see you up north for the Winter.

It's funny...

2009-11-03T05:07:00.002+08:00

Mood: Happy
Music: Little Dragon - Constant Surprises

How life never fails to surprise you... After 22 years of being alive and trying to figure things out, things are starting to fall into place. Identity is a decision, which includes removing oneself from denying their true nature, but inevitably ones identity is a conscious decision to adhere to your beliefs and mores. My sister told me once that all you have in this life are your word and your balls - break them for no one. Amen.

A few weeks ago I felt like my world was yet again on the verge of falling apart. So alone, so lost, and so terribly uncertain of anything. No longer. I really think the universe is trying to tell me something, and I'm gladly listening; This month's class is audiotronics ie the study, creation and maintenance of electronics, particularly audio electronics. Now I can tell you that I was excited for this class before I even had it, but after the 1st day, I could not have been happier. I think I've found my calling. Creating effects? Cabling? Amplifiers? Working on creating things with a solid scientific understanding and good old manual labor - I have not been happier soldering cables since the days when I would lock myself in the basement for hours as a 7 year old building model airplanes, then later on modding warhammer figurines. I should have seen this from the beginning! And to think my first major was really supposed to be electrical engineering. Funny how things come full circle. I've even reconsidered taking up electrical engineering after degree here at Full Sail. Lets see how this all pans out. For now I'm that geeky guy laughing at the corny electronics jokes that the instructors make that no one else finds funny. (Man to a girl... are you feeling like a variable or fixed resistor today? LOL)

And its so much more than that... little things have bolstered my faith in the world. The donation drive for ondoy and succeeding typhoons is still ongoing at school. I'm encouraged by the students who have chosen to participate and am thankful for their actions. Last nights benefit concert (Gary V a wave of hope) at the N. Florida Hospital Church was also a great success, and was quite touching, personally. Was also nice to be around family.. But more importantly, I'm glad jaded layers are falling away one by one from this heart. Compassion flows again.

As for the universe and its plans, its truly a small world. I have a friend I met named John Novotny, who was neighbors with my buddies evan and travis, but moved to another house nearby. Anyways, only recently I added him on facebook and learned what his lastn ame was, and that he was from Pennsylvania... Novotny I said to myself... I only know one Novotny from PA, and thats Bob Novotny, my dads good friend who sold us our white ML Mercedes (the first in Pennsylvania in 1997!) and worked at Carson-Petit motors. Low and behold I asked John if he knew a Bob Novotny. It's his dad. My dad and him reconnected and had a long long long talk (apparently Bob disappeared) and they were both so happy to hear from each other after all these years. And John and I had never met. I don't even know why I remembered his last name. But whaddya know. Grabe.

Suddenly, after having so many questions about where to go and what to do, the possibilities are endless, and I'm making my own road. I'm trying to start my own business - I've already done the numbers and initial research, as well as contacted investors. I'm even having business cards made - I hope the designer accepts the job, it would be a shame to settle for anything less than the best. But I am definitely excited. And it all makes sense now. I don't really think too hard anymore or worry. I trust that the universe will put me exactly at the right place at the right time... not to say that I'm not taking initiative, I am, and I will... But there is a peace internally that I'm only beginning to understand now. And wow, can I just say that it's so easy to wake up in the morning when you're excited about life? Nothing else matters. I can only hope for bigger and better things. This is my time, and I'm thankful for it. See you on the other side.

Crushed.

2009-10-22T14:45:00.002+08:00

Elliot Smith died of two stab wounds to the chest on his LA apartment floor. Doctors were never able to ascertain if they were self inflicted or not. Can things ever be set right again? I used to know what that meant, but now I don't know. I don't know.

Sometimes....

2009-10-21T06:06:00.001+08:00

I wonder if you can hear me.

Sorry.

2009-10-20T01:57:00.000+08:00

It was my evil twin.

Breeds of Analog vs. Digital.

2009-09-29T16:19:00.005+08:00

No Ones...

2009-08-20T21:40:00.001+08:00

Pretending... Just trying to live.

Sirens, oh Sirens. Well. Siren.

2009-07-26T01:23:00.003+08:00

We are accidents
waiting, waiting to happen.
We are accidents
waiting, waiting to happen.

(Radiohead)

Fin.

Maybe. But why?

2009-07-18T09:28:00.000+08:00

Holes...

2009-07-11T14:48:00.002+08:00

in the ground? Perhaps? I should hope not, though. In my heart and soul, absolutely not. There are chasms at very least.

Though I'm really not laughing, it helps...

2009-06-25T22:38:00.004+08:00

Mood: Homesick.
Music: Jeopardy Review for My IMA final I should be paying attention to.

Ok maybe I am laughing... hehe. :)

!

2009-02-01T18:52:00.002+08:00

if you can't trust, you can't love. if you can't love, you can't trust.

stick to your decisions. if they don't seem to be the right ones, the make them the right ones.

This...

2008-04-09T17:36:00.003+08:00

Mood: No clue what this is.
Music: Slipknot - Wait and Bleed

is just my imagination. This is all in your head. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. It's all in your mind, you can make it go away. WAKE UP. Never. Never. Never again.

Appalled, Indeed.

2008-04-08T13:48:00.002+08:00

Mood: Titanic-cal.
Music: Life In Your Way - Salty Grave

Bury me now, before I realize I'm already dead. I will never be the same, I will never go back to what I was, things will never rewind and return, and I will not cease to exist because the universe failed to equate one poor souls equation for life.

I fear all the resilience I have always been able to muster won't save me now. But is there anything to be saved from, really? Salvation is in illusion in a world of jaded souls caught in an unending travesty. Everyone suffers just as much as you.

Exit.

2007-11-05T08:33:00.001+08:00

Mood: Wakiug Up, I Think.
Music: Circa Survive - Act Appalled

There might be a trend to this all - a method to the madness within this circle. The one where you quickly forget where you’ve begun then forget the way back to the giant neon sign that screams exit in loud green letters for all those perceptive enough to listen. Those have always proved useful in the past. But like many landmarks, however noticeable in favorable conditions, they’re really not much help at all if you can’t see them through the shadows.

My intention is not to be cryptic, though I seem to excel at ambiguity, both with others and myself. I’ve written that off as the way I deal with the contradictions in my head. It’s probably all a product of the gap between thought and speech – a process that leaves what I really mean to say lost in translation somewhere in empty space, and regurgitates shadows of the original ideas. Like catching a scent on passing air, it’s gone before you recognize what was once there. I don’t wish to sell perfume. For that matter, I hate solicitors.

But I digress. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could spell it all out in ways that made sense to more than just the demons in my head. I wish I could start over. I wish I didn’t feel so alone, and I wish I didn’t feel so guilty about the idea that it’s probably my own fault. Where has the exit door gone? It probably was tipped off about the true state of the world and used itself. I wouldn’t hold that against it. The management, might, though. Always disappointed, the management; if it’s not about one thing, it’s probably about two others. I can’t stand the management; yet, I’m supposed to become a part of them. What a dreadful thought.

See, I can’t even roll with a continuous stream of consciousness beyond a couple of sentences. Maybe I shouldn’t joke around about having ADHD, though I probably just have too much on my mind and no idea where to begin. I wish I could be certain about even just a few things in life. Charming idea, I say. Too bad the charming things in life aren’t by nature also the so-called important things. Then we’d all live a charmed life… wow, that pun was definitely intended. Oh god. My own humor scares the dead night-lights out of me.

Time to get things together, I keep telling myself. Could the trouble be that together is not what I want to be? If that were the case, the solution would be obvious, but I know that’s definitely not it. So then what it is? I don’t know! If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked. Nonsense I say. Nonsense.

Long Time.

2007-11-02T15:18:00.000+08:00

Mood: I don't know. Really.
Music: City and Colour - Confessions

Its been a while. I'm not sure i have the words to say right now, or even what i want to say. I just thought i'd post. I'm a mess. Maybe if i get that off my chest, it'll make a difference.

Cheers.

Fuck.

2006-07-29T05:32:00.000+08:00

Mood: N/a
Music: Nothing, for a change.

There is nothing more frustrating at 5:24 am than realizing you toiled all night long in front of the computer screen to write a paper that is due in less than four hours, only to be staring at a practically blank screen. Even more frustrating is the fact that you know you could easily do this paper, the catch being that you have no idea what the requirements really are. Your groupmates have presented you with about 15 pages of exposition and background on the subject, as well as a unfinished powerpoint presentation that is loaded with ideological, grammatical, and academic errors, neither of which seem to have any relevance to the information necessary to write the paper which they are counting on you to deliver.

Along with all this superflous and uneccesary information, they attach a list of requirements the paper needs to fulfill, all very vague in nature, and you've just spent a good deal of the night wondering what the fuck the paper is really supposed to be about, not knowing whether the requirements you're staring at are what the professor stipulated, or what your seemingly incompetent groupmates have deemed necessary to address the assignments actual requirements. And of course, the clincher is that none of your beloved groupmates are awake at this ungodly hour to help you sort out this mess, and probably won't be awake until it's too late to actually get something done in time to save yourself from the impending doom that accompanies your failure to complete the required task.

GODDAMNIT!!!! I JUST WANT TO GET THIS SHIT OVER AND DONE WITH BUT I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I REALLY HAVE TO WRITE!!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IT ALL!!!!

Nothing Much.

2006-03-06T01:32:00.000+08:00

Mood: La lang.
Music: Wala. (Not my computer eh)

Well. I moved out of my dad's house about two weeks ago... It's nice living with my cousin Timmy in San Juan - having a place of my own again, having a dvd player and playstation and company during the wee hours. But of course there are cons. Unless it's mealtime, there's hardly ever any food, there's no computer, the tv takes almost 45 minutes to warm up so that you can see the pictures clearly, its very hot most of the time, I don't have aircon, its hard to commute to and from and the couch is too small.

Small concessions must be made for freedom.

With the help of a friend, I paid for my first month of rent in advance on March 1st. I gave me a great sense of accomplishment. Don't ask me why cuz I just don't know. I've been sick for the past few days with the flu - just been trying to rest up. Since I've moved in with Timmy, I've seen more movies than I did in the past year, no joke. At least I got caught up in that sense. Well. There's no cable and a giant stockpile of dvds. Go figure.

I'm getting better now... Things are wrapping up for my first term of guitar at UST. My finals for Sight Singing and Music Fundamentals Class are this week... I missed both of the original exam dates because I was sick, but I'm looking forward to taking them and just getting them over with. My guitar playing suffered the first few days I moved in, but I'm starting to get back into the groove of practicing religiously again.

I haven't unpacked completely yet. Bwiset.

Life is more complicated then I'd like right now. I'm a bit more uneasy about anything and everything than I'd like to be and everything about my life is questionable, at best. I'm a little confused, I'm a little scared, I'm a little lost, I'm a little more relaxed than yesterday, but probably not as much as tomorrow, a little shocked, a little reserved, a little unsure, a little too loud, a little too bold, a little too shy, a little too forward, a little too crass, a little too boastful, a little crazy, a little happy and very angry, confused, and sad.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is staring at me but no one see's me.

The world is my room full of people. But in my room, I feel alone.

Nothing in Particular.

2006-02-15T13:49:00.000+08:00

Mood: Waking Up
Music: Jimi Hendrix - Hey Joe

Jay -- [adjective]: Visually addictive
'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Sorry.

In Summary:

2006-02-07T13:21:00.000+08:00

Mood: Alright. :)
Music: Atreyu - Bleeding Mascara.

Life is good. Very good. I'm happy! Yay! Work tomorrow, move out soon, other issues are good, band is progressing, schools coming along fine. The sky is a little short of blue spattered with a few wispy clouds, my stomachs a little to big, is a little hotter than I would like, life isn't as EASY as I'd like, but you know, it's ALL GOOD. :) Happiness.

It's Like...

2006-02-03T00:54:00.000+08:00

Mood: Introspective
Music:

... A blow to the face. Seriously. Maybe that's what it took. My entire life has brought me to this and maybe for once I'm beginning to see the big picture. And not my big picture-how mine fits into the big-BIG picture. Maybe I get it now. At my convenience I've neglected my own place in the big picture, should it make gratify me. Along the way, this left a lot of room for neglect, absolutely no respect for authority should it jeopardize my ephemeral desire, and an inability to be consistent among many other things.

It's scary looking back on where I've come from on how easily I can disregard anything and anyone at the bat of an eyelash should it contradict my momentary desire-or how I live in a world of excuses because I'm just looking for a reason to get away with my indulgences rather than actually find a solution. Am I sick? I don't know. Maybe the cure is being aware, as I am now.

It's scary how I'm so polar. I can be likened to a damn fireworks show. I can light up the sky or burn a house down. The even scarier thing is that I can swing either way depending on what I decide to do with myself. The same energy that I have within that is capable of sending me to live out my dreams in the stars is quite capable of rocketing me down into the ground harder and faster than an overpowered oil rig operated by a drunk, possessed, scary, evil, old man with numerous tattoos, three children and a pot-belly. (Many of those adjectives have no relevance what so ever to the simile, however do add to the imagery. And. I dunno. Whatever)

I guess its physics. My high potential amounts to the possibility of both very high positive and negative polarities. Ok. Enough science. The point is. I'm self-absorbed. Not to be confused with selfish. Though often times I'm that too. I almost never see the big picture larger than what applies to me, nor do I ever seem to see how I fit into the big scheme of things, ergo I don't see how I affect the people that I co-exist with. And I wonder why I have relationship problems. I feel unfit to be a fucking person sometimes. But now is not time for self-pity. Time to rectify my mistakes I guess... I have to learn to work with people some day or else I'm in trouble. And I don't mean on the superficial level. It's always "of course I can do that" in my head, but it's also always easier said than done. I just hope it's not too late. And I swear, I have to learn to deal with authority and learn to prioritize. Seriously.

No one ever told me that the human race wasn't necessarily the humane race. No one ever told me that the latter was the one that made the world go 'round either. I had to learn that on my own... next lesson is becoming part of it.

Happy Birthday M!!!!!

2006-02-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

Mood: YIHEE!!!!
Music: Blink182-What's My Age Again?

My M's Twenteen! YAY!!!!! Happy Birthday!!!!! Ayluvyu. :)

Grrr. A Eulogy for Headware.

2006-01-29T21:58:00.000+08:00

Mood: Mourning
Music: Hidden in Plain View - Garden Statement

Boo-uhms. I lost my favorite cap last Thursday. I'v had that brown DC shoes cap since junior year highschool... its been everywhere with me and has lots of memories attached to it... it was even signed by two members of steven speaks (the night we got drunk with them) and most of the and1 team. (who i bumped into arriving at the airport while picking up my grandmother) *sighs* M says she likes it when I don't wear a cap, and since my other favorite cap, my pink and white "lick me" trucker, was put out of commission by the dog, I guess I'm gonna be capless a lot more often. But me sad :( Cap shopping it is. R.I.P. cap-o.

So...

2006-01-23T23:38:00.000+08:00

Mood: Confused
Music: Me and the Ocean - Broken Bottles

I GOT MY GNX FOR MY BDAY! I AM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY MAN! Well. Kinda. In other, however, related, news, the USB driver for it refuses to install on my laptop. This a huge frustration as I want to record and use the library software. NOW NOW NOW. I'm thinking I'll just back my stuff up and reformat my laptop once and for all.

In other other news, FMW is recording more stuff tomorrow at Alis place. I think the plan is to do a full band version of "Blood in the Water" since Alec wants to use it as the end credits for his movie. Plus we gotta record some ambient "horror tracks" for the rest of the soundtrack. Should be fun. The Jolina vid I'm in came out kanina. Hay. Running out of things to say. Can't run forever. Expect more soon.

Me. (Or who I think I might be)

I'm Nineteen!

2006-01-19T00:02:00.000+08:00

Mood:Cool beans.
Music: Armor For Sleep - The Way Out Is Broken

Cool. 19 on the 19th. I hate getting older though. But I like it at the same time. Haynako. Whatever. Me and M are the same age now. Yay! Hopefully I get something cool this year. Everyone likes getting cool stuff, duh. But hey, I'll be happy just getting greeted by people I care about - that's more than most people get.

In other news, French Maid Weaponry is making some serious progress as of late. We jammed on Monday and hammered out the drum part of "Blood in the Water," A song I'm very quickly falling in love with and on Tuesday we recorded more of the demo work on "Hold Your Breath." I is happy. I got news that I got a new project this week which will be shot next weekend in Subic sometime for a wall mural in a fastfood restaurant. Interesting... I know which joint, but you guys just wait and find out nalang. Hehehe.

Oh! M submitted something for this graphic design contest in school, and hers qualified for the interescholastic competition, so she has to be in Podium on Saturday for the judging or whatever. I'm so proud of my baby, she's briliiant. (Even if she can't seem to see it) Wow.. I'm really liking this new armor for sleep cut they recorded a demo of on the road, they're showing a lot of maturity without losing their old sound.

This year of my life shall be dedicated to my music, the people I care about, and my constant search for the ingredients to making myself and my life better, as well as those around me. And of course, chasing my dreams like a dumb mutt running in circles after his tail (the only difference I'd like to think I'd eventually "reach my tail" or at least some part of it) Yeah.

Cheers.

Well. Sometimes They're Fun.

2006-01-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

Mood: Just Here. Yeah. ^^
Music: Bloc Party - Banquet

What?! Normally, I don't.. but well. I was bored-ish? And. Wala Lang, Random. Shut Up!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Jay!

In the Great Seal of the United States the eagle grasps 13 arrows and jay.
Dolphins sleep at night just below the surface of jay, and frequently rise to the surface for air!
People used to believe that dressing their male children as jay would protect them from evil spirits.
Reindeer like to eat jay.
If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and jay would be as small as a pea.
By tradition, a girl standing under jay cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege!
Jay can be very poisonous if injected intravenously!
South Australia was the first place to allow jay to stand for parliament.
Without its lining of jay, your stomach would digest itself.
Jay is the only one of the original Seven Wonders of the World that still survives!

Interestingly enough, many of these things are true. As much as I enjoy reindeer, I tend to avoid them, especially Rudolph. Ang sungit nga, seryoso. The flattery of #10 is really rather too much though. Haynako. I mean come on, diba there are other surviving ones, not just me? Dahahaha. Joke!

Margarita!

Your sex life mostly resembles a Margarita – You are passionate and imaginative and you have a very spontaneous sex life. You are likely to do (or have done to you) a lot of things on a whim.
Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Interesting. Margarita. Isn't that medjo girly though? Oh well.

You have a sexual IQ of 146

When it comes to sex, you are a super genius. You have had a lot of experience, and sex interests you so you know a lot about it. You pride yourself on being a source of information and guidance to all of your friends.
Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

You bet your ass.

WISHLIST!

2006-01-15T14:07:00.000+08:00

Mood: Sleepy
Music: Alexisonfire - Charlie Sheen vs. Henry Rollins

Well. It's my birthday on Thursday. Not that it matters all that much, birthdays just make me feel older and less accomplished. But, for those of you who want to make my life a ball of uncontrollable joy, the wishlist is still the same, just highly condensed. There are only four items really - you can look at the Christmas wishlist if REALLY want to, but these are the things i'd really rather prefer. So without further ado (in order of importance):

1. Digitech GNX 3000

2. Fender Jaguar HH

3. Tech 21 Sansamp GT-2
4. CASH!!!

You can get the Sansamp at Audiophile, and the Jaguar and GNX they don't sell here, but the cheapest prices in the world for musical equipment you will find at Musician's Friend. Hmm. That's that. off to play more guitar.

A New Year.

2006-01-06T08:17:00.000+08:00

Mood: Bagong Gising Putanginashyet
Music: Saosin - Translating the Name

So its a new year... woop dee doo(m?), yihee yay and all that other confetti sprinkled firecracker rainbow gushing happiness stuff. Right. As cliche as it seems to be in todays pop culture, i think the Deathcab song is very apt - "So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different." Damn right I don't feel any different. At least, not any more different than I would feel today because today is a different day than yesterday. Oh well. I feel like I'm getting older though. New years have always been synonymous with such things seeing as my birthday is the 3rd week of January every year. (Random anecdote: I fucking hate people that exploit us people who have their birthdays close to the holiday season by "double dutying" and giving us one gift for both occaissions. Cheap motherfuckers... anyways...)

I realized this morning that I've been shaving with the same set of four razor blades for a little too long now... I keep interchanging them thinking one is sharper than the last dull cocksucker than cut my face up, only to rediscover the joys of shaving with dull razors yet again (though dull mach3 blades are not nearly as dull as other dull razors, I would imagine, but still dull enough to produce a sub-par shave and above-par nicks). The point of that rant is... uhm. Reminder to self. Buy new razor blades. I hate how they never last as long as you want them to... In my experience, you buy a new pack of razors, and you pop a new one on and its like heaven shaving the first few times. Real sharp - close shave, all that jazz, but after like 5 times, it feels dull as fuck and you switch to the next. And the damn things are SO not cheap. *sighs*

I am now unemployed. Yay. The project that gave me the job I had ended with 2005. Time to go a job-hunting. Perhaps maybe just concentrate on school and my music more. I wish. But money. Money money money (or so much lack there-of) *sighs*

I'm off.

Post-Christmas Update.

2005-12-28T03:01:00.000+08:00

Mood: Irked
Music: Emery - Left with Alibis and Lying Eyes

I bloody hate Christmas. Not that this one was any better or worse than all the others - in fact it's definitely an improvement over last year's in many respects, but I dunno, ever since I was about seven or eight years old, Christmas time was a time of year I'd always dread more than look forward to.

Nochebuena at my mom's house lost all sense of "family" due to the introduction of poker - rather than socialize, talk and bond and all that, the majority of my family decided to just sit around and play poker, ostricizing everyone who wasn't playing or sitting around the table. Not that I have anything against poker or anything like that, it's just that I guess I felt like it wasn't the time and place for it. There was no sense of "joy," "family," "togetherness" or "charity" (no matter how little there was in the past, this year there was virtually none) this year; instead of everyone giving each other gifts and looking at each other's reactions to presents, all I heard this year was "lets get this over with so we can get back to the poker." Oh well. I guess everyone who played had fun. My mom and I seemed to share the same sentiments. But, hey, the night had its moments I guess.

Nochebuena with the Martinez's was fun, as was Christmas day with the Valenciano's and M's family, as well as at Harvard. But, as usual, my family can never elude some sort of disaster during the Christmas season. Last year, it was my family being stuck in the midst of the Tsunami in Phuket, this year it was a big fire that threatened to enter my village and creep up my street the morning of the 26th. I rushed back to Monte from Harvard with Tito Gary to check things out and make sure everyone was ok. Bleh. M got sick over the holidays. At least someone hates this time of year just as much as me and seems to have experiences just about as much trauma in association with it.

Didn't do TOO bad with the gifts. I got my tubescreamer, cords, and strings like I said I would a couple entries ago (earlier than expected, very very very cool) as well as a bunch of clothes, bags, necklaces, books, a zippo, a pocketwatch and some other stuff. I did get two Hendrix biographies from my parents, which was very cool, as well as Issues #1-3 of Squee which TOTALLY surprised me and made me scream like a little girl. Oh yeah, and the zippo is pretty. I was hoping to get more guitar stuff, but hey, I'm not complaining. Besides, my birthday is coming up. HOPEFULLY, good things happen. *crosses fingers*

I FUCKING HATE SURVEYS AND THE STUPID SHIT PEOPLE WRITE WHEN THEY ANSWER THEM AND HOW IT PISSES ME OFF AND AFFECTS HOW I FEEL WHEN I READ THEM. WTF. Sleep now I.

PS - Ok. This Christmas was made a lot better because of My son, (Jack) Jr. He cheers me up a lot. Isn't he cute? :)

Christmas Shopping.

2005-12-21T13:35:00.000+08:00

Mood: Lazy
Music: Bloc Party - Pioneers

Truth be told, I love giving Christmas presents (Do not confuse this with "I like Christmas" because I don't. I hate it). I take pride in giving cool gifts and making the people I care about happy with what they get, but wow, the effort is definitely taxing. Not only is your wallet beyond empty by the time the Christmas season is over, but the amount of legwork you have to put into finding the "perfect present" is definitely not a walk in the park. And then theres the problem of having "x" number too many relatives, some of whom you barely know, and yet you kinda feel obligated to get them something, when really, all you want to do is play favoritism and get the people you want to get things for really cool things. But that's not fair now is it? *sighs* Back to shopping... not done with my list yet. Bleh. Why are parents so hard to buy for?!

Yesss.

2005-12-17T23:26:00.000+08:00

Mood: Tired, but happy.
Music: Panic! At The Disco - Time to Dance

Ok, so i've had a long tiring day, I'm feeling sick, I'm tired. BUT. I'm getting 10 packs of Ernie Ball Slinky Skinny Top Heavy Bottom Strings, new cords, new stock of picks, and a Ibanez Turbo Tubescreamer come January 3. YES. Only have to worry about the GNX, sansamp, refurbishing the warlock and the Jaguar now. Woot.

LBM SUCKS. IMMODIUM IS SOMETIMES USELESS. BOO.

Changes.

2005-12-14T16:05:00.000+08:00

Mood: Determined
Music: Armor For Sleep - Car Underwater

Change is inevitable in life. It's come to this. Time to open my eyes. Remember, relive, forgive, forget and move on. Good things don't come to those who wait for them to knock at your door. Things don't last if you let them be. Attaining things is never as easy as maintaining them. Disappointment is temporary. Moving on to a new situation til that one disappoints you only to repeat the process all over is useless and a waste of time. Everything sucks until you make it unsuck. If you can't stick around long enough, everything will suck forever. Beautiful things are only beautiful because they're not easy to attain.

People are living pieces of art; if you live by "accepting me for me" you're becoming a painting. Go hang yourself in a museum. Expect everything from everyone. Never settle for "this is me." When people say "they love me for me" what they're really saying is they think they're finally found someone that they think they "understand and can control... that can't surprise them." In two weeks you'll be surprised, in two months you'll be hurt and in two years you'll be in trouble. Don't settle for that. Be prepared. Doing the same thing and expecting a different result is insanity. Go get some.

So True...

2005-12-02T15:15:00.000+08:00

EVERYONE is the result of sex.

Care and Hope.

2005-12-01T00:08:00.000+08:00

Mood: Reflective
Music: Armor For Sleep - Very Invisible

Sometimes I wish the people I care about knew really how much I do. No particular reason for this post; just was thinking about some things a while ago. Made me realize how much love people give that goes unnoticed. How much concern we put out there for people that may not even know - How much joy other people bring us without them even knowing. Maybe we're all not so bad and evil afterall. Well. We're all human, that much I THINK is true. Well, minus the freaks, animals, and aliens.

For all the people whose smiles have made my day, whose jokes have lightened my mood, whose generosity have made my life easier, whose kind words, gestures and hugs have made me feel loved... I thank you all. And if I ever thought it was just lip service, plastic behavior, an act of pity etc. Well. That's my problem I guess. Cynical at times, indeed.

Then there are those people that you care so much about that you wish would just let you in. Those people who, no matter how hard you try, never seem to let you in that inner place in themselves where they cherish and appreciate you. Well, at least they don't seem to show it. Well. You can't always get what you want. But you do what you do nonetheless because they mean so much to you whether they know it or not. And sometimes you just want to tell them how much you care, but nothing you ever come up with to say or to do seems to be a grand enough gesture worthy of the love and care you try to show and that you feel. Naturally, when you put it simply, you don't also just want to get a "yeah, whatever" response. *sighs*

And though i meant this in the most general of ways, there are particulars. I wish I could get closer to my sister Lianna, who seems like she's always in a world so far away that I've never been able to reach. And though there are moments where we can share a laugh and have a good time, I feel like for the most part I get no response at all from her for all the love I try and show. Naninibago lang siya siguro, but of course I can't help but feel a little bit frustrated. I just want to tell her sometimes how I'm so proud of her despite her weird mood swings and her tantrums - how she's so quiet and observant, so intelligent, and malabing when she wants to be. Or how when I actually get to see her smile at me - genuinely - and i really feel the sincerity, it makes my day.

I wish my other sister Lesley really understood how much she means to me; how much I miss her when I don't see or talk to her during the week when we're both busy with our own lives. When I don't get to spend time with her and hear her many kuwento's and escapades. I wish I could have a better relationship with my dad; One that isn't so strictly "business." One that seems to only entail where it is I'm going, what I'm doing, and if he's ok with it and if he thinks its good for me. And more than just small talk about what we did during the day, or our thoughts on basketball as a game plays on tv while we have lunch. But things are getting better. I think we make progress everyday.

I wish my mom knew how much I loved her too; despite all our issues, I'd really like to believe that deep down inside we love each other dearly and unconditionally, despite our many flaws with both ourselves and our relationship and all the bumps that have littered the road along the way. I hope that one day we can be at peace, rest-assured, knowing that all is well with the other and that we'll be ok. Like I said, things seem to be getting better. We're learning to let go and move on and grow together; to support each other and not bring each other down, despite what the past has been.

I wish that my other dad knew that I really do love him; that my decision to live with my biological father was by no means to spite him, or abandon him, though the way he treats me now seems to scream it. I wish he could know that I didn't mean all those things that I said, because I almost never do when I've lost my temper, and that I was just at a point in life where my frustration with everything just exploded in all directions. A time where I needed to find myself again, a time where I needed to move on, a time where I felt like everything needed to change. It's been changing slowly since, but changing nonetheless and I'm feeling good believing that everything is on the right course. If only I could make amends. Because he will still always be my father, and I love him dearly, and I don't want the changes that have happened in my own life to destroy all the good things we once had; things that I sincerely believe we could still have. Sometimes I wish I knew how to go about it better.

Maybe because I'm not good with bridging the gaps. Emails and constant communication. Maybe it's because I'm not considerate enough. Maybe I don't try hard enough to make sure that I get my point across. Maybe I worry about being taken the wrong way too much. Wow, this seems to be going back to something that's all too familiar; my faults. Hehehe. But I'm trying to change. Besides, that's not what this post is about.

To my dearest Renee, wherever you are out there, I am sincerely sorry for not doing a better job about being in contact with you. So many things to say and share, so many questions to ask, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about how you're doing and how much I miss you, even though I do a very bad job of communicating it. Me and my lazy ass self. :p Not to mention how whenever I think of you, I smile, because you are irreplaceable in my life, and the thought of you is enough to make my world a better place for a few moments even in the heat of a panic attack. Irreplaceable, remember that! Despite my suddenly large amount of siblings, there will only be one Renee in my heart, mind and soul, and I wish her all the best, and hope with all my heart that she's out there wishing on stars and making her dreams come true. Don't mess with her world, she'll fuck you up. Hahaha.

And to everyone I've ever hurt, wronged, not considered, passed over, or made feel unimportant, I am truly sorry. Only in retrospect am I beginning to understand what it means to be a better person. And to those few people that I've hurt so much in my life, I apologize especially. You know who you are. But I thank you. I thank few in particular. While maybe all my guilts are not valid, or at least maybe those that you propose, my experiences with you have made me more aware, alive, humble, and conscious. It is with your help that I believe I'm slowly struggling to become a better person. After all, I'm still just a kid trying to figure shit out. But I'm trying.

Life is beautiful in it's entirety - the joy, the pain, the struggles, the tears, the rush, the little things, the complexities. It's full of surprises. And while it's never easy, nor as simple as we'd like, it's a lot easier and simpler than we make it out to be. Live strong. Live with a zest for it, even when that sounds so impossible, because there's nothing to do but to keep trucking despite all the hopelessness we may feel. There's so much love out there to help you along the way. Just open your hearts and eyes. It's all about finding that which makes you feel so alive. So go get it - so long as you don't bar the way for others to attain theirs. And for the people I love so much, know that I'm always here to do the best I can to try and get you through.

I'm In A Wanting Mood...

2005-11-25T02:08:00.000+08:00

Mood: MORE WANTING!!!!
Music: The Spill Canvas - Break A Leg

Wow. I really must be in the wanting mood. Now that I've posted my Guitar wishlist, which I've been meaning to do for a while. Here's also something I've been meaning to do for a while. My christmas wishlist! TAKE NOTE EVERYONE, my BDAY IS IN JANUARY! I will post a revised list after Christmas scratching anything I actually got (if I get anything from the list haha)

I'll divide the list into different parts to make it easier: A. What i REALLY REALLY WANT/NEED i.e. PRIORITY (but it's expensive) B. What would be really really cool and I want and need but not quite as important or expensive C. Misc. Wants/Needs/Cool Things that I wouldn't mind getting at all D. Wishful Thinking (as if I'll get to any of these since I want so much) PLEASE TELL MY FAMILY!!! SPREAD THE WORD!!! MY FRIENDS TOO!!! GO GO GO!!! hahaha. So without further ado here it is:

CHRISTMAS WISH LIST
(Each section I tried to make from want/need the most to least)

A.
1. Digitech GNX 3000 Guitar Workstation. My number one priority on my wishlist... Yeah. This baby is really what I need. UHUH. Effects, recording.. it's all there. $400
2. Ibanez Turbo Tubescreamer (TS9dx). This is like. The God of all overdrives. Nothing can replace it. Nothing sounds like it. I want the turbo one for extra punch. Somethings gotta drive the tone of my roaring overdrive. ;) $108
3. Sansamp GT-2. The last part of my effects rig. Very versatile pedal. Amp modeler, overdrive/distortion... Probably use it as a eq/amp modeler/booster into the tubescreamer, then the gnx on top of that for the roaring stuff. Or maybe the tubescreamer for some crunchy clean and tone/sustain, then into this baby for the roaring goodness. Yihee. I'm getting excited. $170
4. A New PC. For school and my music. My laptop has been outa service for quite some time now.
5. Paintjob and two Gibson burstbucker pickups (1 neck, 1 bridge) to refurbish my Warlock.
6. Naturally, Any guitars from wishlist below.
7. Adidas Moves Cologne

B.
1. The Lord of the Rings - The Motion Picture Trilogy (Special Extended DVD Edition) Box set.
2. A classical guitar footstool.
3. Adaptor for my RPx300
4. 1GB or bigger Memory Stick Duo
5. Dunlop Gator Grip picks .71 or .96mm
6. Ernie Ball Slinky skinny top heavy bottom guitar strings.
7. Room Full of Mirrors (Jimi Hendrix Bio) (book)
8. Jimi Hendrix - The Man, The Magic, The Truth (bio) (book)
9. The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide (book)
10. Godspeed by Nick Hornsby (Graphic Novel)
11. Squee by Jhonen Vasquez (Graphic Novel)
12. The Guitar Scale deck (book-like thing found in bookstore)
13. DVDS a. Happy Tree Friends b. Family Guy c. South Park d. Harvey Birdman e. Aqua Teen Hunger Force

C.
1. MONEY!!!! ^^
2. Gift Certificates. Particularly Adidas, Music/books stores.
3. Pocketwatches. Preferably with chains and the button-open kind.
4. Plaid short sleeve button down polos.
5. Long/short sleeve pinstripe formal polos. (Grey, white, black, red)
6. Plain or single color long sleeve t-shirts for layering.
7. Chef Boyardee
8. Twinkies
9. Reese's Pieces
10. Sunchips (Cheese flavor)
11. Flexfit or trucker caps.
12. A cool zippo!
13. Winston Lights! Or Sobraine Black Russians ^^ (cigs)

D.
1. An Ipod Video
2. A Nice Digicam

VITALS
SHIRT SIZE: M/L
SHOE SIZE: 11 1/2 or 12. 10 in converse. Ang weird.
WAIST LINE: 33/34 to be safe. I don't wear tight pants. DUH.
I don't really wear yellow so much. Or orange. I like pink/black/red/maroon/brown/olive green/grey/blue/tan.

Ang kapal ang mukah ko no???? HAHAHA!

My Guitar Wishlist.

2005-11-25T01:31:00.000+08:00

Mood: I WANT THEM ALL!!!!!
Music: The Spill Canvas - Lust A Prima Vista

Ok so obviously I want way more guitars than this, but for now, this is the "reasonable" list I have come up with which I hope to complete in the next 3 years or so. Sana. Right now I have my BC Rich warlock (which I want to get re-painted WELL, NOT airbrushed SANA, so if you know where I can get it done well, lemee know and refurbished with new pickups) and my very first electric, (my baby) My Ibanez Edr-470 ergodyne... which... well, though I love dearly, I will probably sell to try and attain some of the beautys that follow. Though its an amazing, great, beautiful guitar, I'm not really into the Floyd Rose bridge (something I realized much after I bought it) and its definitely hassle for someone who plays in so many tunings and doesn't have a gazillion guitars to just leave in different tunings. And I hate being hassled when tuning. Gah. Fixed bridges or non-Floyd-rose for me. At least for a whileeeee. So without further ado, in order of practicality (meaning in order of me not lying to myself about how soon I will/can get them) here is the wishlist.

1. Fender Jaguar HH in Black w/ Chrome Hardware (well, thats the only color scheme it comes in!) This baby is hardcore. I've always wanted a Jag, though the original is still on the wishlist... but when I found out they came out with a double humbucker Jag, CHEAPER than the original. Wow. Ok. *Drools* This is definitely the axe I'm after right now. And if I could find a white jag pickguard that accomodates the two humbuckers. Double wow. Maybe I can have one made. Price tag: $630

2. A Purple Fender strat, preferably a 60's strat, or American strat, but I guess a Mexico one will do. Basta Fender, hindi Squier, if possible. I wanna put in an orange pickguard. Hehe. If I have money, maybe replace some pickups, but I want em all single coil; standard strat configuration. Reverse headstock would be cool, but the little details can be altered later... Basta, get the axe first. The pic is a nice shade of purple, but i want something a bit lighter. Well. Yeah and a bit more "purply." Haha. Price tag: about $400 dollars and up.

3. Gibson SG in white with a black pickguard, preferably an SG standard. I think they're really rare though... hmmm. I could only find a picture of a vintage white one with a black pickguard... but hey, Vintage rocks ever harder, I just like the look of the Standard more. Whatever. It's one of those I like how it looks and feels or I don't. I gotta see/play it first. Price tag: Most definitely in the thousands range. *cries*

4. Fender '63 Jaguar in Brown sunburst with a Brown Tortoise shell pickguard. An original vintage one would be heaven, but I'd definitely settle for the reissue. Even those are already $1300ish. *Sighs* I wish I were rich. My very first dream guitar ever since I started playing. Pricetag: Anywhere from a $1000 up siguro. The reissues are $1300+ brand new.

5. Gibson SG Special in Platinum. I'll let this guitar speak for itself. OH. MY. GOD. *dies* Price tag: $1060

If anyone wants to help me get some of these beautys, please DO get in touch with me. Also if you know where I can get them cheaper, or used ones in good condition. Whatever. So I can drool over them and then feel depressed knowing I don't have nearly enough money. If you guys know my parents or other family... Hahaha. Make them kulit... "Hey, Jay wants..." teeeheee. DO IT! And if anyone of you out there want to gift me one of these gifts from God. Wow. Yeah. Comment immediately and I will get in touch with you ASAP. And i mean ASAP. :)

PS. I also need a good classical with a cut-away if possible now that I'm doing a lot of classical stuff. Yeah. Really. That is all. I shall go on dreaming now. Cheers.

The Perfect Jeepney Seat.

2005-11-25T01:12:00.000+08:00

Mood: Thoughtful
Music: Fallout Boy - Dance Dance

It occured to me today that I don't know the ideal place to sit on a jeepney when riding one, even though I ride them practically every day. Examining the options, you have either close to the driver all the way in, towards the middle, or near the exit. I think it was natural tendency for me to sit near the driver at first, I don't know why, but I soon became very aware of the barrage of lose change that comes your way with the accompanying "Bayad po." Yeah, talk about hassle, especially if you're trying to zone out and not do anything while minding your own business. Or when you're trying to listen to that one really kick ass song as loud as possible on your ipod/discman/what-have-you and the people next to you poke you or tell you to take your headphones off so they can pass you their change to give to the driver. Oh joy.

But then again, you don't wanna sit near the exit as well... you have to deal with the constant passage of people. People getting on the damn tin truck, and people getting off the thing. And not matter where you sit, it's bloody hot anyways. At least during the daytime. If the fact that the sardine can on wheels insulates enough heat to roast a small animal isn't enough to titilate your sweatglands, the bodyheat created by the usual horde of people that pack into those things like circus clowns into those tiny circus cars surely will. But I mean.. it's cheap and effective transpo. And sometimes it's the only way to get where you're going. Not to mention it's a beloved part of our local culture, along with the tricycle/pedicab, kesong puti, the Philippine eagle, excessive u-turn slots, tardiness, traffic, pointing with our mouths and "psst..." among many other things.

Sitting in the middle might make you prone to an equally annoying dose of both the "Bayad po's" and "Excuse po." Hmm. Decisions, decisions. Then there are just those times that the damn thing is so packed and the conductor or driver tells you to get in and you're like... "Where?!" But I digress. Moving on, the pros of riding a jeep at night are many. It's usually pretty cool no matter where you sit with the breeze coming in through, and the amount of passengers on average is usually reduced, meaning having to worry about less people "Bayad po-ing" and "Excuse me po-ing" you. Perhaps the only con might be that it's less safe? But when you have no choice. Well. That's self-explanatory. Or when you're on a tight budget. That's self-explanatory too. And so, I have come to the conclusion that finding the right seat on a jeepney is a secret and challenging artform-one which many don't even consider, let alone try and practice. (myself included. Well. Maybe not after this) But, for all that blabbing, I still don't know where that ideal puesto for your ass inside the tin can on wheels is. Please post your ideas. Happy commuting all.

WELL DUH IN THE FRONT BUT YOU BARELY EVER GET TO RIDE THERE!!!! Haha.

Wala Lang. Randomnations.

2005-11-24T02:47:00.000+08:00

Mood: Ok lang po.
Music: Thrice - Red Sky

Things have been ok. Yet again, not really so much time to do anything online or on the computer for that matter. Busy with work, school, and life out there in the "real" world. HA. That's a lie. Anyways. Nothing really new is up. Parents are getting stricter, so I've been at home a lot more lately and earlier. Cleveland is on an 8 game winning streak. I LOVE IT. Hmmm. Yeah.

Band stuff is coming along nicely. Jammed with Sutil last week and we should be recording a demo soon. Hans and I jammed the other day and we made the most progress in a long long time. I think the wheels are pretty much turning smoothly now. Since Han's didn't really buy into the whole "Yes Ma'am!" bandname idea, we agreed on "French Maid Weaponry" for now... but I think that's a keeper. I liked it to begin with, but it keeps growing on me. We pretty much finished up another song called "Hold Your Breath" which I really like...

Went to Baguio over the past weekend with M's family, which was really fun. I miss the cold weather already dammit. Pucha. And... I don't normally do shit like this. But what the hey. Cool beans. Thanks M. Night.

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

But I don't have a heroin habit? X_x

Just Wondering...

2005-11-06T23:41:00.000+08:00

Can everyone fart while pissing simultaneously? Hmmm...

Still Can't Sleep.

2005-11-02T04:06:00.000+08:00

Mood: Still fucking shitty.
Music: The Spill Canvas - The Tide

Is all I’m good at hating things about and feeling sorry for myself? I don’t know. What do I know? I don't know either. I want to talk to M. I hate how I tell myself I'm not getting dependent, but somewhere I know it's a little to late for that. I'm really really scared. The damage this volcano can do should it erupt seems more than I'm willing to handle or would like to see inflicted. And yet I'd want nothing more than for it to be dormant forever. Forever's a long time.

Here. Again.

2005-11-02T03:50:00.000+08:00

Mood: Suddenly Very Depressed
Music: Sleeping At Last - Ghosts

Why’d I look at it again?

I couldn’t sleep. It was like I was itching to. This time I took more time… soaked it all in. It bothered me yesterday, isn’t once enough? And now my thoughts and emotions are racing. For some reason it makes me question myself. It makes me hate all the things that aren’t good enough… all the things that should be better. All the things I wish I was but am not. All the things that would be better for them. For her. For me. It all starts with the jealousy. Then comes the doubt. Then the comparisons. What you can’t do, what you should be able to do. Issues, issues, issues. Then the floodgates open.

I hate my jealousy. I hate my masochism. I hate my doubting. I hate that I have nothing to show for. I hate that I’m always second-guessing my dreams and myself. I hate that I’m so insecure I’m scared of everything. I hate how I can’t be cooler. I hate how I can’t be dorkier. I hate how everything, whether I like it or not, turns into a competition - a comparison; another way to make me feel better or worse about myself. I hate how I feel bad when I see the good in others and how I feel good when I see worse than myself in others. I hate how I almost never finish what I start. I hate how all the ideas I have never are put into practice. I hate how those ideas are shared with everyone and the expectations that follow, and the disappointment that follows the expectations after that. I hate that I lie. I hate that I overanalyze. I hate how I self-sabotage. I hate how there are so many things I want to do that I never even begin. I hate how even when I want something so bad, sometimes I can’t even bring myself to put in one iota of effort to attain them. I hate how at the same time, sometimes, I want something so bad I’ll do anything to get it and i don't have to think twice to exert the effort, but it's never for the right thing. I hate how I can’t be objective when thinking about myself. I hate that I can’t sing well. I hate that I can’t dance well. I hate that I never learned to use Photoshop properly. I hate that I never learned to play the bassoon when I was a kid. I hate how I still can’t read treble clef. I hate that I can’t draw. I hate that I convince myself I believe in me when everyone tells me they do, fully knowing that the most likely reason I hate and hate and hate is that I don’t. I hate that I never continued a lot of the things I was considered good at when I was young. I hate that I stopped reading. I hate that I didn't do as well in school as I could have. I hate that I lost some sense of right and wrong along the way. I hate most of my past. I hate my lack of discipline. I hate my defensiveness. I hate my extreme personality and hate how I love it at the same time. I hate how I sometimes do and say without thinking. I hate how I can be oblivious. I hate how I can’t understand, and I hate how I hate not understanding. I hate the fact that I know what’s wrong with me and yet never seem to do anything about it. I hate the way I deal with my emotions. I hate the way I always act all right when I’m not, even when there shouldn’t be anything wrong. I hate the way I keep the important things to myself, even when I’m trying so hard to bring it all out. I hate the way that I can’t let go of things. I hate the way I get so easily affected by certain things. I hate the way that my feelings take hold of me sometimes. I hate how I can’t just be happy when I have every reason to be. I hate how I break down and cry when I’m all alone; just when everything should be ok – when you have the one thing in the world that makes everything alright, but at the same time all your misery springs from the thought of it.

Why am I crying again?

The Question of the Blog.

2005-11-02T01:41:00.000+08:00

Mood: Inquisitive
Music: Alexisonfire - Control

So yeah, it's been another long ass period without me having posted anything. What, something like a month and a half, maybe more? I'm not really sure anymore. It doesn't even matter. Basta. Tagal na.

Sitting here typing this, I'm beginning to wonder why I keep a blog at all. It's not like highschool anymore. Those days were made possible by the immense amount of free time created by my apathy towards responsibility, my own DSL connection (accompanied naturally by my ever faithful extra appendage, my laptop) and I dunno. Basta, accessible computer and internet, anytime I wanted. Naturally, things have changed. Can't avoid the inevitable. So now the only real computer I use is the one in the den here at my dad's place. For starters, let me have you take note of a few things just to give you an idea of the initial problem: time on the internet itself.

1. The den is usually locked late at night, and the keys are kept in the kitchen, which, from my room, is only accessible through the dining room, which too, is usually looked late at night. Guess where the keys are? Yup, kitchen.

2. In direct relation to #1, more often than not, I'm in the mood to do all my shit online at insane hours of the night/early morning. I don't know if it's due to my nocturnal tendencies, when I'm actually home... whatever... basta, yun yun.

3. When I'm actually home during the day, I must compete with my Multiply/Friendster/YM frenzied sisters with social lives and well-being that revolve around aforementioned worlds, not to my mention my dad and kuya, who each admit to their obsessions to online card games and things of the like.

4. I'm never bloody home anymore.

I mean... 99% of the time I think of something to write, there is no computer to be found, much less internet. And that's just the initial problem. I mean, in the old days, my laptop would be sitting on my desk in my room connected to the internet 24/7... even if I wasn't home, the computer was the first thing I would touch the minute I got back. Even drunk and about to pass out after a night on the town, I can remember countless times sitting half conscious in front of that bloody laptop talking to some poor soul on MSN who had to put up with my crap, or blogging, or checking my email or whatever before I crashed. My computer was my life. It was hooked up to my speakers which were mounted on the walls... Everything and anything I did was through my computer. I didn't have a tv in the house, nor would I use it even if i did.

Blogs seem to be perfect for the person who's world revolves around their computer. Problem is, mine isn't anymore, regardless of whether I prefer it that way or not. That's a discussion for another day. (I'm not sure I'm so sad about that anymore)

Moving on though, i'm really beginning to wonder what the point is anymore. I mean... I used to blog to release things, or because maybe I felt like it, or maybe there was something I thought I wanted to share. I think sometimes it got to the point where I felt like I was obligated to say something... I hate that. And I don't see the point in writing about the "I did this, i did that" blah blah... first of all, who the fuck cares? And does it provide some sort of catharsic release? No, not really. Ok, maybe once in a blue moon. If you ask me, it's seems more of a habit than therapy after a while. Perhaps we're all just a little vain and like to think somewhere in the back of our minds that people actually give two shits about what we did today, even if we ourselves didn't really. At least, not enough to make a big deal about it and put it on the internet. And yet, we do. Why? Because chances are, someone will read it, and you know what? That feels good. But seriously, its a good question to ask one's self: How self serving can you get?

And then once in a while maybe you think you write something creative or that actually has meaning and you post it up there. Maybe people will comment. Hey, sometimes people comment on the "blah-blah" posts. Face it, no matter how much you try and admit it, everyone who maintains a blog, even in the slightest bit, expects SOMEONE to read it, and takes pleasure in knowing that that's happened.

Yeah, comments make you feel good. (How little of your own thought do you want to keep?)

Sometimes even the shitty ones; they're enough to tell you that someone is taking interest in your existence. People are indirectly involved in your life, your world, your thoughts, your process. And it feels good. But it's all so robotic. So mechanical. It's like a pop culture based on wires and 0's and 1's that's just been disguised by layers of human input. Emotion her, poetry there, literary flair there... but it's not real. It's not tangible. People end up devoting so much time to putting up all these words and experiences on the internet, commenting and questioning all these things... to what avail? Hell, sometimes people just put up things they find amusing... those little quizzes, a comic strip... whatever.

I think what I'm trying to say is sometimes it really bothers me because after a while, it seems the lives that are led aren't real. When the servers all crash and everything goes to shit and no one has a single archived post out there... what's left? Where's the real world? Where did all that time go? What happened to going out and doing something, instead of talking about it in words online? Cuz if it all disappears one day, what do you gain out of it all, as opposed to going out there and doing it the real way? It becomes a habit that takes away time from so much of the real things in life. All you'd be left of is memories of countless moments spent in front of the computer screen physically idle mentally masturbating as your scratch your itch for that online culture, recollections of old posts and comments and perhaps even a whole folder of backed up entries and old avatars that you painstakingly worked on just so that your comments would leave an impression whether you had something to really say or not.

And I'm not saying it's all bad. It just makes you wonder. Because as I've said, ostensibly, it's fulfilling in many aspects... but you have to wonder. So is heroine. So is the sex before you find out they have AIDs. Go figure. (But ok, maybe those were a little heavy. :p)

And the interesting thing is half the time bloggers are the overanalytical type... the overthinkers and the out of the boxers... the creators and movers... the paradigm of such intellectuals in certainly not helped by a world that promotes thought over action. Hell, already by its nature the blog world is conducive to circular logic and thought. And usually for the aforementioned personas. Well. That = paralysis. It's like defeating yourself over and over and over again by doing the same things and expecting the same results. And you go bitch about it online, cuz it's what you do and it makes you feel better. And you share what you think you could have done better... what went wrong... what else you could have/should have done... and people will tell you it's ok, or people will give advice... some people may attack you... but it's your world, and you're stuck in it.. an endless circle of answer and reply, do you care if i care, what do you think of this, should I shouldn't I, Me me me, you you you, he said, she said, fuck it all, I love, I hate it, I want, I don't want, I like, I think, I feel, I fear, maybe, always, today, now, forever, childhood, school, work, people, time, space, good, bad, right, wrong... THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK. Vomit.

So ask yourself. When will THINK ever be more than DO? (Sadly. Depressingly. Never.)

And you never know who reads the stuff.. I mean, maybe you do. But sometimes I think about the concept of just shitting out so much of yourself for people to read, self-serving or not, and it sickens me. And sometimes I realize that this whole world of blogging is like... just a bunch of people who want to be heard who scratch each others backs. And sometimes I wonder if i really want to be part of that. Sometimes I wonder if I have that much time to devote, seeing as I've actually discovered there is life without being glued to a computer all the time. And you miss so much - you really do. And this is coming from former mr. "I never leave my computer... ever" mind you.

And he's done it again. THINK THINK THINK is what I just did and I just vomited a completely unorganized thought-fart onto the internet. But there's something behind it... if it's not clear to you (if anyone does read this) it's beginning to come into shape in my mind. Maybe it'll be more cohesive in the morning. To blog or not to blog, that is the question. Maybe my frustration really just does come from not have the time or access to write whenever I want to, and I'm just ranting my ass off cuz i think blogging is great, and I am self-serving and all those things. So what. Say what you think and do what you want, cuz the people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind. OK JAY GO TO BED. STOP THINKING. HERE WE GO AGAIN. EXPECT MORE SOON. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

What A Week.

2005-09-06T01:53:00.000+08:00

Mood: Bored
Music: Fallout Boy - Dance Dance

This past week was rather eventful; Complicated at the very least, but fun, stressful, and busy all at once for sure. All part of life! Got the new tattoo I've been wanting last Tuesday at Mike's... Geoff did this one too, so both of mine are by him... Should be back for the next one as soon as I find someone to put the arabic I want in the style of calligraphy that tickles my fanny hehehe. This one hurt a bit more than the back one at times, but for the most part it was ok... just some bits around the ankle bone and obviously the back... Really happy with it... Ainara came along with me so I could see her before she left back for Spain and she ended up getting one too!

Later that day, I also got my ears pierced 5 more times... the normal lobe ones though... I'd been thinking about it for a while and the whole day was kind of a "what the hell... why not?" sorta mood, plus I was a little annoyed with some stuff so I went for it... Loved it immediately. Some bastard on the jeepney on Saturday hit me really hard as he was getting out and popped two on my right ear out so I had to get those two repierced earlier. Son of a bitch. I wanted to kick his ass! Pao came with me earlier and he got two as well... they look pretty good and he wants to go back for one more hehehe. We went to Alabang to pick up some stuff then hung out with X and Baby X real quick before meeting Nandro and Recto at Rockwell to watch a movie... Dukes of Hazard, quite funny actually, I liked it!

Ugh. Lazy to write too much all of a sudden. School was school... went to class (seriously!) and did all the paperwork for the classes I need to drop. Got some good news today from my Socio10 prof, who told me I didn't have to drop anymore, which means I only have to drop three classes instead of the previous understanding of 3. Yay! Something to make my parents less mad at me! -_- Had a couple Sarah's sessions last week, obviously good fun... Watched Hans' play, in which he was excellent, I'm so proud of him! Uhm... Tito Gary's concert on Friday, Jamming for Arkaira in school Saturday, then the game vs. La Salle, then Baby X's bday party, which was super fun... Sunday was Tita Gina's bday party here in the house; got to see cila Meg and Nascar was here for Baby Y, so that was fun too. Ok, yeah, I'm getting lazier and lazier... dahaha. Bye!

Another Week Gone By... Again!

2005-08-30T00:28:00.000+08:00

Mood: Happy, Actually...
Music: The Spill Canvas - Self-Conclusion

Crap, I can't believe time flies by so fast sometimes... I guess it doesn't even occur to me that entire weeks go by until I check my blog and realize I haven't posted in a week. The past week was eventful and very fun... Arki week at school, Hiyas, Salamin opening for the Dawn at the Hole, a good weekend out... fun fun fun :) Another sorry to everyone who tried to contact me during the week as I was phoneless... I got it back FINALLY saturday morning. Sadly, I didn't have it for Hiyas or the Salamin gig, so no pictures. However, now that I do have a bloody camera, I finally succumbed to the "in" thing and got multiply. I'm still working on it, so don't expect much at first but it's dizzyfreak.multiply.com. Anyone surprised? Hahaha.

Hiyas was uncontrollable hilarious. I couldn't keep a straight face, much less keep myself from laughing when I saw my two good friends dressed in drag in a "beauty pageant" for straight men only. Hihihihi. Good fun. Afterwards, the Hole where Salamin opened for the Dawn. I'm so proud! They played great and soooo many people were there, even lots who I didn't even expect to be there, including some old friends and some of my cousins. Coolness! Later in the night the Dawn rocked the house; they're always a pleasure to watch. I'm SO SO SO annoyed I didn't have my phone to take a video of when they covered the Killer's "Mr. Brightside" though, something which they did for the first time that night, as well as a few U2 covers... AWESOME! They played Katulod ng Dati and Salamat as well, two of my faves so that rocked.

Saturday night was the typical night out; checked out Fran's party in Eastwood and hung out with the Goldilocks girl crew then headed to the fort for a bit. Good stuff; never mind good company and free drinks. Only downside was waking up bloody early Sunday morning for Church then ASAP with baby Y and Li... Which, surprisingly though, was really fun.

I love you Baby Y! Haynako, I can't believe we haven't even known each other a whole year yet and already all the stuff we've gone through together. You're the best. ANIME LA SALLE. Dahahaha. Joke, joke. What a weekend we had eh? And NASCAR (though you will probably never read this) you rock my world, champ :) Hahahaha. Today, there was no school so I got to relax and hang out with Baby Y, set up my multiply and load pics on the computer. So yun... thats about it. School tomorrow, better run. Actually, not even tomorrow, later! hahaha... Peace.

Another Week Gone By...

2005-08-22T20:01:00.000+08:00

Mood: Happy
Music: Taking Back Sunday - Error Operator

Another week has flown by surprisingly fast and I'm just updating... Last week was pretty busy with school and activities being that it was AF week... Lots of fun stuff though. Friday was the fieldtrip to batangas and then Mika's beach house over the weekend. Thanks to all those who took part in the consumption of absolute water on the field trip, lots of good fun! I can't believe I went all the way to Batangas at 6 in the morning without sleep, then back to Magallanes at about 7pm, then all the way back to Calatagan and straight into partying; another night of no sleep. But the fun was worth it all. I missed fungus! Hehehe. Good stuff. Pao, the light is all over you! Hahahahahaha.

Progress with the band stuff as well... another jam last week, and Hans and I have been working a lot lately on the stuff. We have close to three songs now, so awesome... Still super excited. Jordan and Rozie are busy, so I've been thinking lately of asking Foom and Eo to fill in... we'll see. I dunno if Eo is game, is busy, or would be into our stuff. As for Foom, he's said alright already, but he's kinda busy and he doesn't have a bass... Basta, we'll see.

I was supposed to go out Saturday night when I got back from the beach but I actually passed out mid-dressing I was so tired. I woke up the next morning with the shirt I was gonna wear out on, and my boxers, sprawled out on my bed hehehe. Haynako. Apparently I missed two great party's... the one of my sister's barkada and Jo's bday... Crap. Sorry to everyone who tried calling me that night to wake me up or ask where I was cuz the shroomed out idiot that I was left my phone in Pao's car on the way back from the beach. I still don't have it. :O *sighs* I hope he drops it off... I feel like I'm not part of the world without it haha. Plus I wanna load all the pics from the week! Anyways... Until next time!

Pahabol.

2005-08-15T22:37:00.000+08:00

I got my k750i. OH MY. LOVE IT. 'nuff said... bye!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck. I Hate Mondays...

2005-08-15T22:07:00.000+08:00

Mood: Lazy Ass Motherfucker.
Music: Emery - Studying Politics

I couldn't wait for the original copy of the Emery album... over the weekend I slept at Khalils house and downloaded some tracks then slapped them onto a CD-R. Wow. I <3. Friday, I checked out Ca's bday party at Tienamen in Makati, got to hang with a lot of the Brent grads from this year who I hadn't seen in a while... Was nice to reconnect with those people. And no one in their right mind passes up an oppurtunity for good company and an open bar! When it was dying down, some other friends showed up and us last people standing left Tienamen around 4ish... fun night... Though I did have to get up a few hours later for the Lamangan at school.

Got to the Lamangan around 9ish, which was fun... I felt bad though cuz I felt like I could have done more, but its not like I didn't ask to anyways... they just told me to sing a song, so I did! Well... Left the Lamangan after lunch to go home and change, then Hans picked me up for Roxy's barbeque in Alabang. On the way we stopped by the Xtreme office for a VTR quickly and bumped into Nandro, then went to Roxy's. The usual crowd was there... food was excellent, company great, and I have never had so much fun playing Taboo in my life. Babaw clues for life dahahaha! "Guys, guys... abbreviation for toilet paper!!!!" "T.P.?!" "Yeah, nice one... Teepee!!! Next..." Hahahah Laugh trip.

After Roxy's I rode with Indy and we picked up Khalil... next stop, God's Kitchen. Enough said. FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN night. Crashed at Khalils after leaving 'kitchen early cuz Indy was too wasted and couldn't take it and stopping by Pao's. "Khal? Are you still single?" "No..." "What happened?" "I have a girlfriend..." "How'd that happen???" "*****..." Haynako, buhay. Indy, hope we don't have to bite our lower lips for much longer man... I understand. REALLY.

Went to church when I got home here in the village with the family and Nascar. Nice that he's hanging out in the house and I'm getting to know the guy. I like him. That's in his best interests... really, it is. But yeah, we're making friends. He even texted me when he left, very cool. Hans and I FINALLY jammed in a new studio by his place... we got one song pretty much down and are working on two more. It's about bloody fucking time. I'm really excited.

Today was spent catching up on AF app and actually going to class. I'm hoping the effort and enthusiasm will continue through the week, seeing as it IS AFweek and sigsheet deadline is this Friday... you can do it Jay, you can do it! Hehehe. I actually have a lot of fun now in school. Now if only I could get myself to work at home... Hmmmmm... Until next time, laters!

Hmmm...

2005-08-11T23:23:00.000+08:00

Mood: "Whatever, Dude" = euphemism for apathy
Music: Salamin - Maskara

Boredommmm as usual. Spent some time with my mom, dad and the kids this week, which was nice since I haven't seen them in like a month. Mom bought me new shoes Tuesday, and I got my line SIM back, yehey! Tuesday night was awesome, watched Salamin at Guijo (love you guys ^^) then ended up the night with a Isshin stop. Lots of people... even tita Angeli was there, which was a shocker. If anyone has pictures let me know... I want!

Hmmm... I really should get my shit together with school... It's not that I don't wanna, but I dunno, it just never happens. *shrugs* At this point i think I've already royally fucked up my entire first semester, so I guess all i can do is my best from here on in and hope for the best... I mean, I'll be lucky to pass a class or two. Haynako. GO TO SCHOOL JAY... YOU'RE CONSCIENCE SAYS SO. AND DO YOUR WORK...

Sorry... the voices in my head are getting rather outspoken again. Hehehehehehe.

Ohh... was happy to discover that Emery released a new album the other week. Perfect timing too, now that parental units are in the states. Yehey... probably gonna ask for that and some other albums... or maybe some guitar stuff like heavy bottom light top slinky strings. Need some better tone... stupid extra light strings are all they seem to sell in this bloody country. Hans visited last night and we had a good talk about life and stuff, but more importantly the band situation... we seem to really have the same frustrations about it all, but we were able to jam a little bit and plan things out a bit more. It's really bloody killing me that I'm not out there gigging... It's almost as if every day I'm not making music and performing and all that, I lose more and more of my vitality. Maybe I'm delusional. Scratch that, of course I am.

INKKKK SPILLLLLSSS ON PAPPPPPERRRRRR, PPPPPAAAAPERRRRR SPEEEEELLLSSSSS MYYYYY BLLOOOOODDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

Same Old.

2005-08-08T23:15:00.000+08:00

Mood: Bored
Music: Finch - Brother Bleed Brother

So I'm just home bored on a Monday night... first time I've just been chilled out and bumming online in a few days, so it's nice, figured I'd just drop another update. The parental units (step mom and daddie) are off to the states this coming wedesday for daddies comedy's tour... they've been rehearsing in the house the last couple of weeks, it should be a hit... well, at least it is with me. I mean, the thing is bloody hilarious. Should be nice to have an element of added freedom while they're gone... i hope. And hopefully i can request for some cool shit from the states; if that pulls through, well... Berry nayce!

After my last post, my tito Gil died, so I was at the wake a few times towards the end of the week... though I wasn't close to the guy, it did seriously make me question mortality and like... the frailty of human life, the importance of those you love and the relationships you have with them, and the even greater importance of not taking those relationships for granted cuz they could be gone from one day to the next. Death is heavy stuff... I never really know how to respond to things like that, or where to place myself or how to act at funerals/wakes etc. *shrugs* I guess I've also been lucky? (i don't really believe in luck, but whatever) to not have lost anyone yet I was super close to... It was kinda weird though since I just saw tito Gil like... a few weeks ago, alive and well. *sighs* R.I.P. Tito.

I was at the wake till early morning Friday, and though i didn't sleep toooooo late, the idiot that I am forgot to turn his phone off silent, despite setting my alarm so I missed Arch 1 Friday... hope Sir Alex doesn't fail me, though I'm really walking a thin line. Stupid stupid STUPID STUPID STUPID man = I. Maybe my karma was the fastfood commercial... they lacked budget so they dropped a couple people, myself included. Apparently I have to give the people without projects a chance or some bullshit like that. Not that I care all THAT much, but it would have been fun doing another commercial with Alexa, and hanging out with Denise, Bryce and some of the other people since I've never done anything with them. Not to mention money is money. I wanna do a project with nandro dammit. Sorry, random, la lang. Theres many other projects to come, hopefully :)

Speaking of projects and money, i FINALLY got bloody paid for the Jack and Jill shoot i did like.. ages ago, but I haven't been able to deposit it yet since I keep forgetting banks close at 3pm... maybe cuz my brain only starts working at like... 5... but whatever. Tomorrow I shall do it after Arch 1 on the way to Makati. Need... New... Phone... k... 7... 5... 0... i... *drools* Camera pa. Soon Jay, soon.

The weekend was a super fun one... after picking up my check with Hans on Friday, we hung out at Jennys house for a bit, then went to greenbelt... While hans was watching some play the rep people made him watch, I met up with Cem for a while, which was cool since I hadn't seem him in a few weeks, then we met up with a bunch of people at Pepatos... mostly Brent alums from the batch above me. Uhm... leseee... after Hans introduced me to his rep friends and we drank for a while, then we went to Temple to meet up with Gerrick, Nandro, Luce and a lot of other people. Stayed for a few hours incessantly waiting for my "free drinks" that Gerrax promised, which, naturally never came, so fuckit... *note to self: never rely on Gerrax for free drinks at Temple*

After that, Nandro, Luce and I checked out Saris party at Temple, where I saw a lot of my highschool friends, very very cool. More inuman, fun fun fun... Ended up eating at Isshin. Yum. Saturday, went to Lamangan practice for the AF applicants, then met up with Anj and her sister at Araneta to watch the FEU-UP game, which, sadly we lost. :( Its ok, GO MAROONS nonetheless. They played a good game, and I still feel like had a few factors been different we could have won. Next time. Saturday night, Severo and Salamin at the hole; family affair, Gab was actually present for once, and of course Pao and Ange were there with the rest of the usual gang. Even Kiana was there for a little bit with Tita Angelia for some VTR thing they shot outside the hole for tito Gary's bday. *shrugs* Don't ask, cuz I don't know. Salamin gets better every time I see them. Props. I <3. And the more i hear Pao... damn... Pinsan, if you were not my kasin, and if I were a chick or not straight. Dear god, I would jump you, as long as you are singing. K... moving on, I can't believe I just typed that. Wait. Yes I can. Whatever... hahaha.

Inuman at Mika's house after, had a bonding session with Jor, very cool... I really like the dude. And i mean comeon, who doesn't wanna make friends with a bonafide rockstar?! Naks hahaha. Met lots of new people too, also very cool. Ended up drinking til Early morning, ie. sun very very up na, hence a bunch of us ended up going with Mika and her family to church, tangina, what a trip... walang tulog pa, pucha... And then after you'd think we'd all go home and sleep right, but NO, after that, rockwell and a movie pucha... Hahaha. Sleep deprivation is fun sometimes. The shit you do and say. Try it sometime if you haven't ;) Slept like a ROCK though when i got home. Sabagay. Fun fun weekend. :)

Hung out at Pearl today after class (which I didn't go to... haynako) and saw Reg for a bit, then visited Bravo at his new place, which I had never been to. I haven't seen that fucker in a while, good hanging with him. Ben stopped by for a bit too, I missed both of those guys. Hopefully I'll see more of them in the future. I told them to try and go to Saguijo tomorrow... Hope I can make it... 99% sure at this point though. I wanna see Salamin again... tangina, im turning into a diehard fan. Lol. They have pseudohired me as their "soundtech" anyways. When I got home, Baby Y made me kuwento about her weekend, I couldn't stop laughing. I swear, that girl cracks me up. I labs my seestor. :) And its like i feel like im vicariously living high school again through her... its kinda cool. Funny pa how similar our weekends were. Hahaha. Well, not really. Basta. Laugh trip. Love you baby Y!

School tomorrow. Shit. Well, that's life. Better force myself to sleep.

PS. New finch album? <3 Different sound for sure. RAGE!!!! Hahaha. Not sure what I thought when I listened to it the first time... I definitely liked it though, and it's really grown on me. Hasn't left my cd player for a day or two now. Thanks for the copy, albeit incomplete, Hans. :) "Anger... Fear... Agression.... These lead to the dark side...." Fuck you Yoda... at least the dark side makes for good grooves hahaha. IMMMMM OUTAAA CONTROOOLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aftermath.

2005-08-03T13:37:00.000+08:00

Mood: Lazy
Music: Pinback - Penelope

Wow. Last few days have been SUPER fucking busy. Monday during the day consisted of running around from vtr to vtr and the workshop for the fastfood commercial. Saw Denise there and hung out with her afterwards, then saw Aj later when he met up. Got stuck in the rain commuting home, ate dinner inside a cab... yahoo! Got home pretty exhausted but I had the ton of work to do for Arch 1 so i consumed a box and a half of extra joss within a 12 hour period and pulled an all night to get caught up... well kinda. I got to school for my esquisse at 8:45 and there were still about five or six plates I hadn't done, but with the help of my oh-so-awesome friends, I was able to finish all but one or two by the afternoon and turn them in.

For some reason I kept on drinking buko juice the whole day. Like.. every twenty minutes I buy a new one. I have no idea why, its just weird. I think I'm addicted. Is there such a thing as a buko juice junkie? So anyways, even though class was over at noon, I had to finish though plates up so I was working around school till three-thirty ish, then afterwards, I just hung out till about 5:30, then headed over with a bunch of my friends to the film center to watch my cousin Ryan's movie premiere... "anak ng tinapa" which was actually really fucking cool. Interesting film, the approach was very different... a bit weird in places though, but in a good way. After the movie, had dinner then went to the wake of my Tito Gil who died early that morning from a heart attack... saw the usual horde of Martinez relatives at there, most of whom I only know by face. We're such a big clan on my dads side that I'm really struggling just to get my dads siblings name's right. Well, whatever.

Later, I guess i'll be working on some plates for Arch 2 that I have to turn in by tomorrow... I was supposed to go to school earlier for some AF stuff, but im actually feeling really sick and not in the mood since I don't have class. I think from being stuck in the rain then pulling an all nighter and all that, my immune system was just real weak and so now like... I dunno, nose is running and stuffy and all that good stuff -_-. Good news is I'm finally getting farking paid for the Jack 'n Jill i did like 5 months ago... my check should be ready on friday. Woohooo... New phone time... Yeah! I wanna get the k750i with the 2 megapixel camera cuz I'm rather annoyed about not having a camera lately actually. Fun fun fun! Hmm... what else is new.... I have to go back to filmex tomorrow as well for a wardrobe fitting for the fastfood... i really hope its not during my class time because I can't miss much more Arch 2. *sighs* I wanna go out this weekend... la lang. I wanna go shopping online... hmm... i want twinkies and chef boyardee...

Better.

2005-07-31T19:06:00.000+08:00

Mood: Content
Music: Funeral For A Friend - 10:45 Amsterdam Conversation

After a generally bad weekend, i didn't things would get much better today, but surprisingly, I had tons of fun and am in a really good mood despite being really tired. My call time was at 7am for the Red Horse Musik Laban shoot, which has got to be the most fun shoot I have ever done. The crew and the other talents were really cool, plus we all got to be dumb and rock out all day long, so it really didn't feel like work at all. I'm really excited for the plugs to come out, the replays looked pretty cool. The shoot left me pretty tired though, but its all in a days work. I got everyones numbers, since there were some really cool people I met, so I hope to be seeing them around.

The only downside to today was that I still haven't done my work for Arch 1 which I need to finish for Tuesday, and I'm really too drained to do anything right now... I'm probably just going to sleep after dinner and try and get some work when I wake up really early tomorrow. The workshop for the fastfood thing is tomorrow at 3pm, so I guess I'll have to go straight from class, then go straight home and finish up my stuff for tuesday then study for my test. *Crosses fingers* I hope it all works out, I really cannot afford to fail that class. When that's all over and done with, I think I'll reward myself Tuesday night, watch a movie or something... The assistant director from earlier, Bombie, did a indie flick thats showing in UP on Tuesday so I might just hang around campus and catch that while hanging with him, very cool dude.

Wednesday, hopefully I can jam with Hans for a little bit, maybe if we actually jam more we could even join Musiklaban... haha probably not this year... I hope next year. But actually for the most part I gotta do all my catchup work for Arch 2, which needs to be done by Thursday... It's all drawing, so I'm a bit scared, but hey, practice makes perfect. I suppose if I try drawing something other than stick figures, sooner or later I have to AT LEAST improve, even if it's just a little hehe. So yeah, thats my plan for this week, hope it works out, cuz usually plans I make never go as planned. Whatever. *Crosses fingers again* *Yawn* Time to eat and sleep, I'm hungry and tired. Shalom!

Brooding.

2005-07-30T16:41:00.000+08:00

Mood: Tempermental
Music: Silverstein - Smashed Into Pieces

For some reason it just seems to be one of those days where you're just mad at the world... Maybe its cuz I'm still an angsty chemical teenager. Maybe its whats been going on. Maybe its the fucking weather. Whatever. Ateneo beat UP. Yay! -_- Not really that big of a deal, but well, it didn't put me in a better mood. Fun watching with my little brother at Araneta though, even though I was like... the only fool on the ateneo side in maroon. Nothing quite like having a shitty weekend then having your eight year old brother tease you about your school losing a basketball game cuz he doesn't know better. You can't get mad at the little dude.

I could have sworn about a week ago things were going great; in fact, if you look at the realities, things SHOULD be great. I mean, I got approved for the Red Horse Musik Laban commercial which we're shooting tomorrow, then also a fastfood commercial, (which I think is pizza hut) I've been getting my shit together in school, I've been having fun with my family and my friends... and yet, it all just fucking sucks and I can't seem to smile about anything. Well, not exactly, but you get my drift. Since the shoot is the whole day tomorrow, I'm going to have to super cram all my plates in today, something I'm not sure I'll be able to do, but I have no choice. First Arch 1 test tuesday, but I might not be able to study cuz the workshop for the fastfood commercial might be then :s Hay, buhay.

At least last night was alright... I mean, it wasn't the best night ever or anything, but it was a kind of catharsis just to be out and about for at least one night this week, as long as I could get my mind off the annoying issues. Work sucks. Hiding Sucks. Games suck. Paranoia sucks. Thinking too much makes everything suck more. I'm getting sick of being let down. Maybe I expect too much from everyone. If you don't wanna talk, I wish you'd just tell me. Lates.

Stress. Sucks.

2005-07-27T21:11:00.000+08:00

Mood: Tired
Music: Alexisonfire - Pulmonary Archery

So the school things I mentioned yesterday resolved themselves today. I spent a ridiculous small fortune at national bookstore on materials for the group project... My group mates texted me to meet them in national, and I arrive there to find that the only reason they needed me to go there was cuz they were both broke to buy materials. Great! Well... Hopefully the 'rents will reimburse as I kept the receipt. Still, I don't see why we had to buy balikbayan boxes to use for building materials and not use crap cardboard lying around, as they're 150 pesos a pop, but whatever, whats done is done.

Spent the rest of the day hanging out in the Arki building working on the damn "chica chair;" A ridiculous project that in our minds (literally the entire design class) has absolutely no relevance to the profession we're supposedly learning. But its also common knowledge that our prof for the said class, Dytoc (pronounced Dee-Talk) is a little bit bonkers... Actually, that's a major understatement. The man is nuts. Brilliant, yes. Yeah, well, I guess he's one of those "special" people. Yanna came and visited as she was on campus to see some play that was required by the Ateneo people in one of her classes, but they were out of tickets when she got there so she decided to just hang out... Introduced her to a couple of the arki people. The "Chica chair" was about 70% done when we left around 6:00pm, so hopefully we can put the finishing touches on it tomorrow before class at 1:30, or if Dytoc allows, but the time class is over at 3:30.

I got to talk to my Arch 1 prof (after actually not seeing him or going to his class for about a month) who was actually just surprised to know that I was still alive and attending classes... I was actually expecting him to say I had already failed his class but he's just so cool that he gave me conditions to pass his class. I mean... I was lucky and all, but well.. Now I have my work cut out for me. Can't miss his class the rest of the semester and I have to make up all the work I've missed since schools started. I think I've been to that class three times in total? :s Blargh. Kaya yan. Though I do think I'll be working my ass off over the weekend... I really need to get that bloody drafting table so I can do my plates, not to mention first test is on Tuesday next week so I better get my shit together. Looks like I'll be staying home over the weekend for the first time in a while. Unless I can get the little E to go out. That would be the only exception. Maybe a movie or something. Good news about that today as well, so I'm in good spirits regarding that.

Baby Y and Liana (ie my younger sisters aka the resident Goldilocks girls) are half day tomorrow and no school Friday. The jealousy! Haha. But Baby Y is really sick, so shes probably not going to school tomorrow. Poor thing looks like she's half alive... Hope she gets better soon. I wanted to like... Spoon feed her chicken soup or something, or do anything to help her get better, but whatever. The kiddos about as stubborn as me anyways. I have a VTR tomorrow morning for some alcoholic beverage... its a final casting and the text said "rocker attire." Hopefully I fit the part... desperately could use the extra cash. I just hope its not like Gran Matador Brandy or like Fundador or some other old man shit like that... A beer would be the best case scenario hehe. Oh yeah... got a haircut too... Its about time. My hair grows so damn fast. Its alright I guess. Maybe a tad too short, or maybe im not used to it yet, though I think they did cut it a little to far from the left ear. Whatever.

Anyways, I've been thinking lately to get serious about school for once. I've been on a bloody vacation for almost a year and a half and its about time that I really get serious about something important you know? Before it's too late... I mean, I've had to learn that the hard way before. No real desire to do so again. So yeah, should start this weekend by staying home and doing my work and all that, and hopefully things will pick up as time passes and I get back into the habit of things. PS - Johnny Depp continues to be my idol and the only man I'd go gay for... While he might not be as sexy as normal as Willy Wonka, he's bloody brilliant.. and OH SO WEIRD... Just the way I like it. Anyone who hasn't seen it, I suggest you do so promptly... gotta see the advanced screening last Friday care of the Goldilocks girls. hehehe. Well, that's about it for now, I'm kinda tired, still got work to do... sooooo time to make like titties and bounce dahahahaha!

Just Another Update

2005-07-26T19:49:00.000+08:00

Mood: Anxious
Music: Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down

Hmm... Just another day I suppose. Thoroughly uneventful and yet not really so boring. No school today, the usually UP-like chaos... Last minute postponement of class for some odd badly explained reason. I'm not complaining though, I don't need any good reason for no school, just a legitimate one as far as the faculty is concerned. Met some people today that I didn't expect to; an important meeting actually... Just that I was caught a bit unprepared. Hope I made a good impression. Things like that are important with such people. Happy though, saw C :)

School work is piling up... I have a group project due Thursday that we all haven't started, but since there's no school tomorrow, we'll probably end up getting together and doing it then. I'm not TOO worried, but I guess I should be since I'm procrastinator extraordinare. I really should go to my Arch 1 class, but I still haven't done any of the work from like three weeks ago and I haven't been to class since, so I'm a bit scared of actually showing up. It also doesn't help that I still don't have a drafting table to do my plates on at home, but I can't keep using that as an excuse, no matter how true that is because in the end it all amounts to me being too lazy to get something done, whether its the plates themselves or buying a damn drafting table. Well...

Had a close call earlier with the step-mom... she came home and was looking for Baby Y, who happened to be in my bathroom with me smoking... For one, shes not allowed in my room, and on top of that, shes not supposed to be smoking, but I think we're off the hook for now cuz Baby Y pulled a smooth one and said she was just giving me something from C, but i happened to be smoking in the bathroom and she wanted to see my reaction, so she only smelled like smoke because she was there with me. Step-mom didn't mention anything to me after that, so i think we're in the clear *crosses fingers* Never know though, just gotta be a good boy scout and always be prepared. To think that I was just saying to C that Baby Y is bound to get us caught sooner or later always being a step behind... Well, she's still being trained ;) She'll be a pro by the time I'm done with her. But she'll always be Baby Y hahaha. :)

Thats about it for now... making progress with the band again, FINALLY. Should be another jam this week, either thursday or friday. Hans wants to put the finishing touches on his song, and we wanna finalize the first of mine. Still writing by myself in the house and improving old songs... should have at least 6 or 7 by the time Hans and I get around to working together on all of mine, plus however many songs he has. Good number, I'm really excited. Bottom line is I just miss gigging and making music. The faster Hans and I hammer the songs out, we can start jamming with Rozie, hopefully start gigging in a month or two, if all goes well. Look out! Shadows from Headlights on the rise! Word!

It's Been A WHILE...

2005-07-18T18:17:00.000+08:00

Mood: Emo
Music: The Spill Canvas - 3685

Months have passed since I've posted last... the urge to would come up every now and then; I'd go to my blog and look over old posts, knowing inside theres so much to let out since my last entry, but laziness, in its typical fashion with me, always got the best of me and hence, never got around to it. This post is my first step in reversing my laziness problem. Maybe if I talk about it a little bit and release some emotions, I'll get around to doing more important relevant things.

So where to begin? It's really been much too long... February i think? Wow. Much too long. That life seems so far away right now. Since then, I've been kicked out of my house, reaccepted, kicked out again, moved out, ended a relationship, started college life and moved houses, with all the usual shannanigans and drama along the way. Hmmm. Maybe when I have more time I'll blab about those things a little more, but right now I just feel like I have a well of emotions that I've been keeping inside and it's about time I had some sort of release, whether its legitimate or therapeutic or whatever. I don't even know what I'm saying now.

School is alright. I don't think I was quite ready to undertake the life it implied when I started school and I'm still having trouble fitting in and adjusting. For one, anyone who knows me in the slightest knows I have an incredible problem with attendence and procrastination, two qualities that are very bad as an architecture major at UP. But hey, I'm making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. At first I also thought there was a major social challenge presented to me in the form of my college and the people there, but lately I've really been quite happy about the relationships I've made and that are continuing to grow, and I have to say now there are some pretty good friends that I have in school.

At home, things are alright. It really is quite nice to be getting to know a family that I never even knew I had, being that I live with my dad and his family now. I'm especially grateful to my sister and kuya that live with me, as they've made the adjustment so much easier and I find in the short time I've known them, I've grown quite close to them. And don't discount everyone else here too, I love them dearly.

My personal life is alright I suppose. I mean, it could be better, but hey, life is constantly a work in progress. You ever get that feeling like something is missing from your life, and you think you know what it is, but then at the same time you kinda have that feeling that even if you were to attain that missing piece, you'd still feel empty? Well.. something like that has come out. I think I need to get some rest cuz I'm not making any sense anymore, but expect more posts now that I'm trying to get back in the habit, hopefully of better quality. Peace out, forgive the nonsensical ranting. Peace.

On The Road...

2005-02-16T15:34:00.000+08:00

Mood: Tired
Music: Taking Back Sunday - Bonus Mosh, Pt.2

It's been three days now since I haven't been home. I can't decide if I feel like it's been a long overdue holiday or a stressful panic driven struggle to get my shit in order. Whatever the case, it hasn't been all that bad. I was a bit ticked off at my mother, not so much for kicking me out, but more for trying to cut off my lifelines one by one once I had already left the house by telling certain people not to help me out. What can you do?

I've been staying with my friend Alec since Monday night, but he's in school most of the day so I don't see much of him. I'm really happy that his family took me in without any qualms; I've always been close to them and he's one of my best friends, so I guess it's no big surprise... maybe it's my good karma for helping some people out when they got kicked out. My turn now I guess? Haha. But it hasn't been bad really... I've had at least two square meals a day, a bed to sleep in, clothes on my back... Aside from being broke off my ass and being a confused person in general, life's good.

In all seriousness though, I've been trying to be quite serious about getting my shit together now that I've been away from home. Maybe I just needed to get outa that hellhole to do it, who knows. So far, I've mad a couple phone calls and done some homework talking to connections and such. I was supposed to go to UP today to see what i could do about getting into the school of music there, but there was a big logistical fuckup, so that'll have to wait until tomorrow I guess. On Friday and Saturday theres one of those UK college fair chuba chuba ek ek bullshit thingies in town, so I'll be sure to check that out. It's at Edsa Shang, walking distance from where I'm staying, so logistics should really be no problem.

Been doing a lot of thinking though about how my life is really gonna work out. For the first time in a long while, I feel undecided again, but i think its just a battle between reason and emotion. I'm just giving myself time to resolve internal conflict. Anyways, I've just been killing time while Alec finishes his exam and its over now so I have to go meet him... This fucky i-net cafe's browser settings are fucked and cookies are disabled (only a retarded gazelle would know why) so I can't get into my email, much to my annoyance, so sorry if I don't email for a while. My bad. I'll try and check in again when I can get to cheaper i-net (by cheap i mean free) or when I can exploit the charity of people again. Laters.

Swing And A Miss... Strike Three

2005-02-14T07:28:00.000+08:00

Mood: Surprisingly Apathetic
Music: Jimi Hendrix - Highway Chile

Looks like I need to eat the words from my other day's post... I quote myself - "Maybe tomorrow will be different." You bet your ass today is different. At six this morning I got kicked out of my house... Just finished packing my stuff and am leaving the house in a few minutes. I really have no clue where the hell I'm going to go and I have less than 5 pesos to my name, though I have a couple hundred bucks in the bank if worse comes to worst. Thank God for ATMs.

The way I see it though, maybe this is what I needed. A kick in the ass to get my lif e moving, whether its good, bad, right or wrong, just a catalyst to do SOMETHING with myself. Of course, the situation that is forcing me to move is not exactly favorable, but like I said, sometimes what you need is what sucks the most. I'm not too worried about myself; I know I'll be fine. I've been out there on my own before and its not like I'll be starving on street corners living in cardboard boxes. I'm resourceful enough, I believe. I hope.

Packing my things was like a catharsis of sorts. It was almost as if I was just waiting for an excuse to get up and go... like I wanted out of here a long time ago, but I didn't want the action to come from me and now, here I am forced into a situation that I can't help but think in some twisted way I've been wanting. Here's your chance at the big show, here's your ticket. Go get it. Of course theres all those negative thoughts and emotions inside as well, like fear, pain, confusion... but those take a backseat. They're all too familiar. If anything I'm wondering how my relationship with my family will be in the near future. Right now, all I guess I'm truly concerned about is getting my feet out the door and beginning the process of making myself. For all of the people that doubt me or don't believe in me... (i.e. my mother) i'll show you. Happy Valentines day people. I'm not bound to forget this one soon. Don't know when you'll hear from me next, but I'll try and keep everyone updated.

And now I know what I've been waiting for. I've been standing on a ledge, scared to jump... I've been waiting for a push to come to do what I couldn't bring myself to. I'm already flying through the air.

Yeah, his guitar slung across his back
His dusty boots is his cadillac
Flamin' hair just a blowin' in the wind
Ain't seen a bed in so long it's a sin
He left home when he was seventeen
The rest of the world he had longed to see
But everybody knows the boss
A rolling stone who gathers no moss

But you'd probably call him a tramp
But it goes a little deeper than that
He's a highway chile, yeah

Now some people say he had a girl back home
Who messed around and did him pretty wrong
They tell me it kinda hurt him bad
Kinda made him feel pretty sad
I couldn't say what went through his mind
Anyway, he left the world behind
But everybody knows the same old story,
In love and war you can't lose in glory

Now you'd probably call him a tramp
But I know it goes a little deeper than that
He's a highway chile

Walk on brother, yeah
One more brother

His old guitar slung across his back
His dusty boots is his cadillac
Flamin' hair just a blowin' in the wind
Ain't seen a bed in so long it's a sin

Now you may call him a tramp
But I know it goes a little deeper than that
He's a highway chile

Walk on brother
Don't let no one stop you
Highway chile
Yeah yeah yeah
Highway chile
Go on down the highway
Highway chile
Yeah yeah yeah
Highway chile

Happy Sappy Love Day!

2005-02-14T03:26:00.000+08:00

Love is in the putrid air!

Mood: Nonchalant
Music: Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love

So it's that sappy time of year again when chocolate and cards sales are up, sex is rampant, Hallmark CEO's are ecstatic, and I'm alone. I mean, I have a valentine and I love her to death, but she's not here with me and it sucks, but that's beside the point, I digress...

Valentines day is a holiday created by entrepreneurs capitalizing on the romanticism of the human race. They were smart. I have to admit, I actually do have a soft spot for the holiday. (even though ill never admit to it and proclaim with emphasis that its a "STUPID FUCKING PSUEDOHOLIDAY" if you confront me about it) But, its one of those holidays that is so emotionally powered that I can't help but add some fun into it all the time. I'm starting a new tradition this year thanks to a friend and sharing hate poetry with the world on Valentines, just to spice things up a bit. And everyone needs to go check out the Happy Tree Friends Valentine's Smoochie while it's still up because you're twisted sense of humor says so. (click on the cute little picture or on the link in the previous sentence then go to "Watch Valentines Smoochie" to do that cuz Mondo Films webmasters are high-tech and use targets so I can't put a direct link up) That being said, here's the hate poetry. (that I didn't write mind you)

I wish my tongue were a quiver the size of a huge cask
Packed and crammed with long black venomous rankling darts.
I'd fling you more full of them, and joy in the task,
Than ever Sebastian was, or Caesar, with thirty-three swords in his heart.

I'd make a porcupine out of you, or a pincushion, say;
The shafts should stand so thick you'd look like a headless hen
Hung up by the heels, with the long bare red neck
Stretching, curving, and dripping away
From the soiled floppy ball of ruffled feathers standing on end.

You should bristle like those cylindrical brushes they use to scrub out bottles
Not even to reach the kindly earth with the soles of your prickled feet,
And I would stand by and watch you wriggle and writhe,
Gurgling through the barbs in your throttle
Like a woolly caterpillar pinned on its back - man, that would be sweet.

Remember the days in elementary school where everyone gave out valentines and candy to everyone? And like... The guys would give the other guys cards with incredibly well thought out winning phrases on them like "You're an Awesome Valentines friend!" along with numerous images of your choice (or not-so-choice) cartoon character, and the opposite sexes would convene in groups to point and giggle at the other? Yeah, seems like light years away. I think about it now though, and I can't decide if it was the cutest thing or if I want to puke. Whatever, it made me happy then (I think? As happy as I could have been back then, I was a relatively unhappy child) and I guess I'll let that memory last.

For all you love struck people out there, enjoy the holiday and use it as an excuse for sappy over-romanticism. Wait till next week to do that and you'll be accused of being a pathological sap, I kid you not. Don't say I didn't warn you. Be good, kids - play nice. Be safe! *cough cough* Haha. Be prepared. Lol. That is all.

Waiting For Clarity...

2005-02-13T23:03:00.000+08:00

Mood: Distraught
Music: 30 Seconds to Mars - Echelon

Ever feel like a badly drawn zombie festooned with entirely too many cheap prosthetics from a horribly miscasted low budget b-thriller? If you don't feel like shit, you know you look like it and by the time everyone sees you, their reactions will convince you otherwise, and you'll feel like you're worth your weight in dollar-store merchandise. (during clearance sale week)

I looked at myself in the mirror when I woke up today and I had a combination of the overbearing feelings of helplessness, self-pity, stagnation, and hatred that I'm beginning to think is one of the many side-effects of prolonged boredom and depression. It's not unfamiliar at all; On the contrary, I'm beginning to be really sick of how familiar its become and even sicker at what seems to be my inability to remedy it.

I'm really beginning to wonder about my worth as a human being. I'm really beginning to wonder if I can do anything without being led by the hand, spoon fed - it seems to me that I've never been so alone in the world, and I've never been so incapable of doing anything in life. Does this mean that I am so far gone down the scale that I'm the furthest thing from independent? Am I so helpless that I just cannot function without the love and support of others? I mean, we all need love, we all need support, but at the end of the day, its you, yourself and that weird voice who whispers dirty thoughts in your head, but he doesn't count. I know I'm not all grown up and ready to face the world, but I always thought I was much more self-reliant than the last few weeks have proven.

I have literally festered on my ass. I have made no significant progress in any direction towards getting my life straight, with the exception of maybe a little backwards, and the consequences are starting to pile up; so much so that I'm already at a point where I'm not sure I can handle them. And then I think... If all the people I wanted to be around were here, if all the things I felt that were missing were suddenly there, would that expedite anything? Would it be some miracle that overnight all of a sudden made everything better and work? Maybe its a placebo effect. Maybe I'm living in a world of my own false hopes and illusions.

Someone told me the other day that I live my life constantly waiting for something. They're right. I'm waiting. And I'm waiting. I don't know why I'm waiting for something that'll never come - a miracle. Be the miracle, I say, and the voices echo. Easier said than done. I'll probably wake up tomorrow and ask "what does today hold for me?" And, if you go by past experience, I'll sit around and wait for the day to tell me. Maybe tomorrow will be different. But tomorrows always different. Doesn't that make it the same? *sighs* Ride the pig, we say, ride the pig...

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results."

A Saturday Well Spent?

2005-02-12T23:36:00.000+08:00

" A Capital Bore"

Mood: Bored
Music: Glassjaw - Ape Dos Mil

Well, I guess today was an alright day, relative to the absolute boredom that has been ever-present in my life as of late. I woke up shortly after noon (that's actually pretty good these days) spending some time online dicking around, then took a shower and got dressed to bring my little brother to a play date at the Lilles' - always good fun. Though the Ayala sisters might not be around these days, I still manage to have fun over there, whether its with the adorable kids or equally adorable mother haha. I love that family. And I love that house. I mean, I guess I shouldn't fail to mention the food... and the ginourmous TV; a monstrosity so large I needed to make up an adjective for it. People who've seen it know exactly what I'm talking about.

From their house we moved on to Eastwood for bowling. YES. Bowling. I'm a horrible bowler. I had lots of fun making a fool of myself, while in the lane next to me my little brother (mind you the kids got bumpers!) officially made a mockery of my score, depressing. But good fun nonetheless. And I dedicated all my strikes to you nikkiepooop :) My mom showed up with Bianca, my little sister later on, and after summore bowling and some pizza, we all moved on to pool, which is thankfully much more my element, at least compared to bowling, and I felt vindicated, albeit however slight.

The adults (me, my mom, tita cecille and tito rob) + my sister decided to watch a movie after ditching the kids.(sending them home, ok... we're not that mean) My mom was set on The Phantom of the Opera, and since she was paying, I didn't complain. I remember liking the musical the few times I saw it, so what the hell I thought, whatever. Damn, I should have known better. Not only is the musical phenomenally better, the movie drags to kingdom come and offers second rate soundtrack and vocal work. (which features experiments with some odd new age synergy that left me going "this is killing the fucking musical") I think the only thing that made it worthwhile was the really hot chick who played the main part and the occasional artistic shot or above-par cinamatography. Notice, I said occasional. And I think the sound in the theatre was much too loud. Whatever the case, the movie left my ear drums hurting, my consciousness desperately needing a nap, and my soul utterly depressed - but I'm subjective to any movie with love and romance in the plot these days, on top of my already overly romantic tendencies. So shoot me. Bianca freaked out, it was definitely not her movie... age appropriate? I think not. Mother should have known better, but oh well. I'm sure bibinka would have much preferred staying at home watching wrestling or simple plan videos on MTV.

But, I'm not really complaining. I got out of the house today. Yay! I saw people other than my immediate family today. Yay! I saw civilization and a movie, in a mall! WOW! Progress, not perfection we say. Until next time, cheers.

Swaye Slips Away...

2005-02-12T00:18:00.000+08:00

Swaye... so... beautiful.... *sighs*

Mood: Whiny
Music: Alexisonfire - "Hey, It's Your Funeral Mama"

The other week, I found the beautiful peace of luthier work shown above on Ebay at a minimum bid of $650 dollars, a few hours before closing. Not a single person had bidded. I checked it out and emailed the owner, who told me the guitar was in excellent condition, sent me some pics, and told me about the minor modifications it had undergone, as well as a brief history of its ownership. For those of you that don't know, that gift from god is a 62' Fender Jaguar reissue in 3-tone sunburst with a brown shell pickguard - in other words, my dream guitar. Also for those of you that don't know, normally that bitch sells at over $1,300 off the shelf. -_- What I would have done for $650.

Probably would have sold my soul or something. I mean, a deal like that doesn't come your way in a lifetime. I was so shocked when i saw it i wanted to wet myself. But what can you do right? I've resigned myself to be comforted in the hopes that i will be filthy rich one day and have ten. Until then, i will shed invisible tears for the jaguar that i could have had, but not so much. (who i named Swaye, btw) *sighs* I guess I'm just feeling bitchy and whiny. I mean, I'm whiny about a guitar. Lol. That must say something. Laters.

The Little Blips...

2005-02-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

Here's one definitely for nostalgia. My message to the class of '04, June 2, 2004.

Mood: Mellow
Music: Sublime - What I Got

Now that I have a bit of time out from it all to think, it all seems quite funny. Up until grad day, the event seemed so fantastical, surreal - mythical even, if you will. The fiction has been shoved and stuffed time and again into your head that it is the definitive moment that symbolizes the end of adolescence, entrance of your no longer childish self and peers into the "real" big bad world out there, the death of "fucking around" and the beginning of real consequences for ill advised choices. You look forward to the day, pray that it comes sooner. The end of the homework, exams... you can't wait to get out into the world, yet you don't wanna leave the world of high school behind; graduation becomes synonymous with the inexplicable bittersweet stereotype of emotions that people like the hallmark company shove down the throats of the masses. So the day comes, you walk the stage, and the emotions surge through you, and you expect the worst. Some will cry, some will smile, but all in all, nothings changed. So you've gotten your high school diploma. Whoop de doo. Real world? If you think the real world is waiting for you "out there," think for a moment and reflect... real world out there as opposed to "pseudo-world" of the past? I think not. So for the most part, we'll be a little less sheltered, a little further from home, but none the less alive, accountable for ourselves and human as we ever were. It's like a young boy waking up on his sixth birthday, running into the bathroom and looking into the mirror only to complain to mom and dad that he doesn't look any older. So enjoy the revelry while it lasts; afterall we did get through it all together. We shared good times, bad times, insane times, sober times, not so sober times, angry times, hard times, easy times... time time time, its all just a blip on the timeline of life. But remember each dot, for they are the little pixels that make the fabric of our lives. A secret smile shared with a friend, a mischievous application of a distasteful condiment on a friend's selection of food that left them chasing you, a heart warming hug, a kind word, a long and meaningful conversation, a tear stained with mascara that was wiped by a caring hand, a big smile, a guffaw that can be heard all through out the hallways. Remember; mock, laugh, hate, cherish, smile, cry, but remember. For graduation is synonymous with a stereotype of brainwashed emotions afterall - fuck that, you know immediately when it happens to you that its about everything that got you there along the way. And no, it's not over. So run to the mirror; not to see the changes in your face or the older countenace staring back, but to get ready to go out with friends, watch a movie, have dinner out, chill out. It's not the end. Here's to many more blips. *clink* Thanks for a bitchin' four years. - Rogoff

Insomnia

2005-02-11T23:51:00.000+08:00

Another old one - May 12, 2004.

Mood: Exanimate
Music: Radiohead - Idioteque

Fine line between reality and fiction blurs at the tick of the second hand; it beats, piercing through the noise of the living, tick, tock, tick, tock, weathering away your mortality. Stare into blank space, wonder what you're really looking at. What are these voices in my head? What do you want from me? This isn't some weird paranoia, this is limbo.

Time is an abstraction in a world of definites. Tick tock tick tock, it reminds you of its presence. Vision is smeared, the words stop making sense, I can't remember anything. I've lost track of dimensions and space, I'm swimming in galactical abstractions. The only thing permeating into the mind right now is the tick and the tock, and the loud drone of the music emerging from somewhere behind me. I close my eyes. Black. Stay shut... take me away into unconsciousness. No, you won't... masochism disguised by what seems to be a taunting sadistic endeavor, curses. Reality seems so far away... the exam in the hours ahead, responsibility, the concerns of the living... So far away they seem fictional. Tick tock tick tock. Oh they're quite real. Take me away. Take me now.

Lingering...

2005-02-11T23:19:00.000+08:00

Here's an old one from May 8, 2004. The mood and music was as it was when i posted it back then. More to follow.

Mood: Drained
Music: Tool - Schism

It lingers still... remnants of a whole that began to erode a long time ago in the chasms within, but nonetheless, fragments remain. Shards of glass, broken into pieces, cutting me from the inside. I can see my reflection in them, smeared with the crimson juice of my own making, and I want to hide from the mirrored image.

Insecurity.

Trauma past, trauma future, tell me mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most scared and scarred of them all? Should I smash you into pieces, will you take this with you to the grave? Lingering... fuck off you mimicking glass, no loitering on the grasses of my insides. Goddamn I wish I had automatic sprinklers. You'd love those I'm sure. Perfect time to leave, your eviction notice has long since been tacked upon your door; you've overstayed your welcome, you're just lucky I haven't figured out how to oust you yet. Shithead.

Look at the shit you get me into. Fear leads to annoyance on the part of others. It bugs them. Why must you be feeble in that regard? For what reason? We don't know. Exit for your own good... or rather mine. Don't be a selfish sod, you worthless piece of shit, you very well know you tax me by staying. I bid you adieu forever. Close your eyes; the sandman awaits, you shall never awaken now. Sweet dreams.

Closure. Relief. Complacency. Exhale. Breathing again... *smile* Good Riddance.

Curses.

2005-02-11T21:43:00.000+08:00

Mood: Apathetic
Music: Dallas Green - Like Knives

*sighs*

Because I am officially a retard and didn't update my livejournal in like... lets just say much much much too long, i lost it somehow. So, for you people that followed my lj... err sorry about that. There weren't too many of you anyways hehe. It's been entirely too long since I stopped blogging and I figured I should get into the habit again. I think it's come to the point where there are too many little thoughts running across my head like infants with wet diapers, and the accumulation of such thoughts over the past few months have seemingly begun to act as a catalyst for my slow dive further into insanity. Wooohooo! Time to let the diapered infants run amuck on the world wide web again. Haha.

Besides, Blogger has much better picture support than livejournal... That was gay. Though it doesn't have that whole "mood" and "music" thing. Whatever. I'll do that myself. If i feel like it. Sometimes on lj I'd spend more time thinking about what my mood was than writing whatever it was I had to post. Hassle, actually. Over the next few days, don't expect any substantial posting. I might just post some old stuff from the old livejournal that i might still have on the computer if i get around to looking for them. Anyways, until then, cheers.