Waiting For Clarity...
Mood: Distraught
Music: 30 Seconds to Mars - Echelon
Ever feel like a badly drawn zombie festooned with entirely too many cheap prosthetics from a horribly miscasted low budget b-thriller? If you don't feel like shit, you know you look like it and by the time everyone sees you, their reactions will convince you otherwise, and you'll feel like you're worth your weight in dollar-store merchandise. (during clearance sale week)
I looked at myself in the mirror when I woke up today and I had a combination of the overbearing feelings of helplessness, self-pity, stagnation, and hatred that I'm beginning to think is one of the many side-effects of prolonged boredom and depression. It's not unfamiliar at all; On the contrary, I'm beginning to be really sick of how familiar its become and even sicker at what seems to be my inability to remedy it.
I'm really beginning to wonder about my worth as a human being. I'm really beginning to wonder if I can do anything without being led by the hand, spoon fed - it seems to me that I've never been so alone in the world, and I've never been so incapable of doing anything in life. Does this mean that I am so far gone down the scale that I'm the furthest thing from independent? Am I so helpless that I just cannot function without the love and support of others? I mean, we all need love, we all need support, but at the end of the day, its you, yourself and that weird voice who whispers dirty thoughts in your head, but he doesn't count. I know I'm not all grown up and ready to face the world, but I always thought I was much more self-reliant than the last few weeks have proven.
I have literally festered on my ass. I have made no significant progress in any direction towards getting my life straight, with the exception of maybe a little backwards, and the consequences are starting to pile up; so much so that I'm already at a point where I'm not sure I can handle them. And then I think... If all the people I wanted to be around were here, if all the things I felt that were missing were suddenly there, would that expedite anything? Would it be some miracle that overnight all of a sudden made everything better and work? Maybe its a placebo effect. Maybe I'm living in a world of my own false hopes and illusions.
Someone told me the other day that I live my life constantly waiting for something. They're right. I'm waiting. And I'm waiting. I don't know why I'm waiting for something that'll never come - a miracle. Be the miracle, I say, and the voices echo. Easier said than done. I'll probably wake up tomorrow and ask "what does today hold for me?" And, if you go by past experience, I'll sit around and wait for the day to tell me. Maybe tomorrow will be different. But tomorrows always different. Doesn't that make it the same? *sighs* Ride the pig, we say, ride the pig...
"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results."
Music: 30 Seconds to Mars - Echelon
Ever feel like a badly drawn zombie festooned with entirely too many cheap prosthetics from a horribly miscasted low budget b-thriller? If you don't feel like shit, you know you look like it and by the time everyone sees you, their reactions will convince you otherwise, and you'll feel like you're worth your weight in dollar-store merchandise. (during clearance sale week)
I looked at myself in the mirror when I woke up today and I had a combination of the overbearing feelings of helplessness, self-pity, stagnation, and hatred that I'm beginning to think is one of the many side-effects of prolonged boredom and depression. It's not unfamiliar at all; On the contrary, I'm beginning to be really sick of how familiar its become and even sicker at what seems to be my inability to remedy it.
I'm really beginning to wonder about my worth as a human being. I'm really beginning to wonder if I can do anything without being led by the hand, spoon fed - it seems to me that I've never been so alone in the world, and I've never been so incapable of doing anything in life. Does this mean that I am so far gone down the scale that I'm the furthest thing from independent? Am I so helpless that I just cannot function without the love and support of others? I mean, we all need love, we all need support, but at the end of the day, its you, yourself and that weird voice who whispers dirty thoughts in your head, but he doesn't count. I know I'm not all grown up and ready to face the world, but I always thought I was much more self-reliant than the last few weeks have proven.
I have literally festered on my ass. I have made no significant progress in any direction towards getting my life straight, with the exception of maybe a little backwards, and the consequences are starting to pile up; so much so that I'm already at a point where I'm not sure I can handle them. And then I think... If all the people I wanted to be around were here, if all the things I felt that were missing were suddenly there, would that expedite anything? Would it be some miracle that overnight all of a sudden made everything better and work? Maybe its a placebo effect. Maybe I'm living in a world of my own false hopes and illusions.
Someone told me the other day that I live my life constantly waiting for something. They're right. I'm waiting. And I'm waiting. I don't know why I'm waiting for something that'll never come - a miracle. Be the miracle, I say, and the voices echo. Easier said than done. I'll probably wake up tomorrow and ask "what does today hold for me?" And, if you go by past experience, I'll sit around and wait for the day to tell me. Maybe tomorrow will be different. But tomorrows always different. Doesn't that make it the same? *sighs* Ride the pig, we say, ride the pig...
"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results."
posted by .: [ dizzyfreak ] :. at 23:03
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