Care and Hope.

Mood: Reflective
Music: Armor For Sleep - Very Invisible

Sometimes I wish the people I care about knew really how much I do. No particular reason for this post; just was thinking about some things a while ago. Made me realize how much love people give that goes unnoticed. How much concern we put out there for people that may not even know - How much joy other people bring us without them even knowing. Maybe we're all not so bad and evil afterall. Well. We're all human, that much I THINK is true. Well, minus the freaks, animals, and aliens.

For all the people whose smiles have made my day, whose jokes have lightened my mood, whose generosity have made my life easier, whose kind words, gestures and hugs have made me feel loved... I thank you all. And if I ever thought it was just lip service, plastic behavior, an act of pity etc. Well. That's my problem I guess. Cynical at times, indeed.

Then there are those people that you care so much about that you wish would just let you in. Those people who, no matter how hard you try, never seem to let you in that inner place in themselves where they cherish and appreciate you. Well, at least they don't seem to show it. Well. You can't always get what you want. But you do what you do nonetheless because they mean so much to you whether they know it or not. And sometimes you just want to tell them how much you care, but nothing you ever come up with to say or to do seems to be a grand enough gesture worthy of the love and care you try to show and that you feel. Naturally, when you put it simply, you don't also just want to get a "yeah, whatever" response. *sighs*

And though i meant this in the most general of ways, there are particulars. I wish I could get closer to my sister Lianna, who seems like she's always in a world so far away that I've never been able to reach. And though there are moments where we can share a laugh and have a good time, I feel like for the most part I get no response at all from her for all the love I try and show. Naninibago lang siya siguro, but of course I can't help but feel a little bit frustrated. I just want to tell her sometimes how I'm so proud of her despite her weird mood swings and her tantrums - how she's so quiet and observant, so intelligent, and malabing when she wants to be. Or how when I actually get to see her smile at me - genuinely - and i really feel the sincerity, it makes my day.

I wish my other sister Lesley really understood how much she means to me; how much I miss her when I don't see or talk to her during the week when we're both busy with our own lives. When I don't get to spend time with her and hear her many kuwento's and escapades. I wish I could have a better relationship with my dad; One that isn't so strictly "business." One that seems to only entail where it is I'm going, what I'm doing, and if he's ok with it and if he thinks its good for me. And more than just small talk about what we did during the day, or our thoughts on basketball as a game plays on tv while we have lunch. But things are getting better. I think we make progress everyday.

I wish my mom knew how much I loved her too; despite all our issues, I'd really like to believe that deep down inside we love each other dearly and unconditionally, despite our many flaws with both ourselves and our relationship and all the bumps that have littered the road along the way. I hope that one day we can be at peace, rest-assured, knowing that all is well with the other and that we'll be ok. Like I said, things seem to be getting better. We're learning to let go and move on and grow together; to support each other and not bring each other down, despite what the past has been.

I wish that my other dad knew that I really do love him; that my decision to live with my biological father was by no means to spite him, or abandon him, though the way he treats me now seems to scream it. I wish he could know that I didn't mean all those things that I said, because I almost never do when I've lost my temper, and that I was just at a point in life where my frustration with everything just exploded in all directions. A time where I needed to find myself again, a time where I needed to move on, a time where I felt like everything needed to change. It's been changing slowly since, but changing nonetheless and I'm feeling good believing that everything is on the right course. If only I could make amends. Because he will still always be my father, and I love him dearly, and I don't want the changes that have happened in my own life to destroy all the good things we once had; things that I sincerely believe we could still have. Sometimes I wish I knew how to go about it better.

Maybe because I'm not good with bridging the gaps. Emails and constant communication. Maybe it's because I'm not considerate enough. Maybe I don't try hard enough to make sure that I get my point across. Maybe I worry about being taken the wrong way too much. Wow, this seems to be going back to something that's all too familiar; my faults. Hehehe. But I'm trying to change. Besides, that's not what this post is about.

To my dearest Renee, wherever you are out there, I am sincerely sorry for not doing a better job about being in contact with you. So many things to say and share, so many questions to ask, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about how you're doing and how much I miss you, even though I do a very bad job of communicating it. Me and my lazy ass self. :p Not to mention how whenever I think of you, I smile, because you are irreplaceable in my life, and the thought of you is enough to make my world a better place for a few moments even in the heat of a panic attack. Irreplaceable, remember that! Despite my suddenly large amount of siblings, there will only be one Renee in my heart, mind and soul, and I wish her all the best, and hope with all my heart that she's out there wishing on stars and making her dreams come true. Don't mess with her world, she'll fuck you up. Hahaha.

And to everyone I've ever hurt, wronged, not considered, passed over, or made feel unimportant, I am truly sorry. Only in retrospect am I beginning to understand what it means to be a better person. And to those few people that I've hurt so much in my life, I apologize especially. You know who you are. But I thank you. I thank few in particular. While maybe all my guilts are not valid, or at least maybe those that you propose, my experiences with you have made me more aware, alive, humble, and conscious. It is with your help that I believe I'm slowly struggling to become a better person. After all, I'm still just a kid trying to figure shit out. But I'm trying.

Life is beautiful in it's entirety - the joy, the pain, the struggles, the tears, the rush, the little things, the complexities. It's full of surprises. And while it's never easy, nor as simple as we'd like, it's a lot easier and simpler than we make it out to be. Live strong. Live with a zest for it, even when that sounds so impossible, because there's nothing to do but to keep trucking despite all the hopelessness we may feel. There's so much love out there to help you along the way. Just open your hearts and eyes. It's all about finding that which makes you feel so alive. So go get it - so long as you don't bar the way for others to attain theirs. And for the people I love so much, know that I'm always here to do the best I can to try and get you through.