I'm In A Wanting Mood...

Mood: MORE WANTING!!!!
Music: The Spill Canvas - Break A Leg

Wow. I really must be in the wanting mood. Now that I've posted my Guitar wishlist, which I've been meaning to do for a while. Here's also something I've been meaning to do for a while. My christmas wishlist! TAKE NOTE EVERYONE, my BDAY IS IN JANUARY! I will post a revised list after Christmas scratching anything I actually got (if I get anything from the list haha)

I'll divide the list into different parts to make it easier: A. What i REALLY REALLY WANT/NEED i.e. PRIORITY (but it's expensive) B. What would be really really cool and I want and need but not quite as important or expensive C. Misc. Wants/Needs/Cool Things that I wouldn't mind getting at all D. Wishful Thinking (as if I'll get to any of these since I want so much) PLEASE TELL MY FAMILY!!! SPREAD THE WORD!!! MY FRIENDS TOO!!! GO GO GO!!! hahaha. So without further ado here it is:

CHRISTMAS WISH LIST
(Each section I tried to make from want/need the most to least)

A.
1. Digitech GNX 3000 Guitar Workstation. My number one priority on my wishlist... Yeah. This baby is really what I need. UHUH. Effects, recording.. it's all there. $400
2. Ibanez Turbo Tubescreamer (TS9dx). This is like. The God of all overdrives. Nothing can replace it. Nothing sounds like it. I want the turbo one for extra punch. Somethings gotta drive the tone of my roaring overdrive. ;) $108
3. Sansamp GT-2. The last part of my effects rig. Very versatile pedal. Amp modeler, overdrive/distortion... Probably use it as a eq/amp modeler/booster into the tubescreamer, then the gnx on top of that for the roaring stuff. Or maybe the tubescreamer for some crunchy clean and tone/sustain, then into this baby for the roaring goodness. Yihee. I'm getting excited. $170
4. A New PC. For school and my music. My laptop has been outa service for quite some time now.
5. Paintjob and two Gibson burstbucker pickups (1 neck, 1 bridge) to refurbish my Warlock.
6. Naturally, Any guitars from wishlist below.
7. Adidas Moves Cologne

B.
1. The Lord of the Rings - The Motion Picture Trilogy (Special Extended DVD Edition) Box set.
2. A classical guitar footstool.
3. Adaptor for my RPx300
4. 1GB or bigger Memory Stick Duo
5. Dunlop Gator Grip picks .71 or .96mm
6. Ernie Ball Slinky skinny top heavy bottom guitar strings.
7. Room Full of Mirrors (Jimi Hendrix Bio) (book)
8. Jimi Hendrix - The Man, The Magic, The Truth (bio) (book)
9. The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide (book)
10. Godspeed by Nick Hornsby (Graphic Novel)
11. Squee by Jhonen Vasquez (Graphic Novel)
12. The Guitar Scale deck (book-like thing found in bookstore)
13. DVDS a. Happy Tree Friends b. Family Guy c. South Park d. Harvey Birdman e. Aqua Teen Hunger Force

C.
1. MONEY!!!! ^^
2. Gift Certificates. Particularly Adidas, Music/books stores.
3. Pocketwatches. Preferably with chains and the button-open kind.
4. Plaid short sleeve button down polos.
5. Long/short sleeve pinstripe formal polos. (Grey, white, black, red)
6. Plain or single color long sleeve t-shirts for layering.
7. Chef Boyardee
8. Twinkies
9. Reese's Pieces
10. Sunchips (Cheese flavor)
11. Flexfit or trucker caps.
12. A cool zippo!
13. Winston Lights! Or Sobraine Black Russians ^^ (cigs)

D.
1. An Ipod Video
2. A Nice Digicam

VITALS
SHIRT SIZE: M/L
SHOE SIZE: 11 1/2 or 12. 10 in converse. Ang weird.
WAIST LINE: 33/34 to be safe. I don't wear tight pants. DUH.
I don't really wear yellow so much. Or orange. I like pink/black/red/maroon/brown/olive green/grey/blue/tan.

Ang kapal ang mukah ko no???? HAHAHA!

My Guitar Wishlist.

Mood: I WANT THEM ALL!!!!!
Music: The Spill Canvas - Lust A Prima Vista

Ok so obviously I want way more guitars than this, but for now, this is the "reasonable" list I have come up with which I hope to complete in the next 3 years or so. Sana. Right now I have my BC Rich warlock (which I want to get re-painted WELL, NOT airbrushed SANA, so if you know where I can get it done well, lemee know and refurbished with new pickups) and my very first electric, (my baby) My Ibanez Edr-470 ergodyne... which... well, though I love dearly, I will probably sell to try and attain some of the beautys that follow. Though its an amazing, great, beautiful guitar, I'm not really into the Floyd Rose bridge (something I realized much after I bought it) and its definitely hassle for someone who plays in so many tunings and doesn't have a gazillion guitars to just leave in different tunings. And I hate being hassled when tuning. Gah. Fixed bridges or non-Floyd-rose for me. At least for a whileeeee. So without further ado, in order of practicality (meaning in order of me not lying to myself about how soon I will/can get them) here is the wishlist.

1. Fender Jaguar HH in Black w/ Chrome Hardware (well, thats the only color scheme it comes in!) This baby is hardcore. I've always wanted a Jag, though the original is still on the wishlist... but when I found out they came out with a double humbucker Jag, CHEAPER than the original. Wow. Ok. *Drools* This is definitely the axe I'm after right now. And if I could find a white jag pickguard that accomodates the two humbuckers. Double wow. Maybe I can have one made. Price tag: $630

2. A Purple Fender strat, preferably a 60's strat, or American strat, but I guess a Mexico one will do. Basta Fender, hindi Squier, if possible. I wanna put in an orange pickguard. Hehe. If I have money, maybe replace some pickups, but I want em all single coil; standard strat configuration. Reverse headstock would be cool, but the little details can be altered later... Basta, get the axe first. The pic is a nice shade of purple, but i want something a bit lighter. Well. Yeah and a bit more "purply." Haha. Price tag: about $400 dollars and up.

3. Gibson SG in white with a black pickguard, preferably an SG standard. I think they're really rare though... hmmm. I could only find a picture of a vintage white one with a black pickguard... but hey, Vintage rocks ever harder, I just like the look of the Standard more. Whatever. It's one of those I like how it looks and feels or I don't. I gotta see/play it first. Price tag: Most definitely in the thousands range. *cries*

4. Fender '63 Jaguar in Brown sunburst with a Brown Tortoise shell pickguard. An original vintage one would be heaven, but I'd definitely settle for the reissue. Even those are already $1300ish. *Sighs* I wish I were rich. My very first dream guitar ever since I started playing. Pricetag: Anywhere from a $1000 up siguro. The reissues are $1300+ brand new.

5. Gibson SG Special in Platinum. I'll let this guitar speak for itself. OH. MY. GOD. *dies* Price tag: $1060

If anyone wants to help me get some of these beautys, please DO get in touch with me. Also if you know where I can get them cheaper, or used ones in good condition. Whatever. So I can drool over them and then feel depressed knowing I don't have nearly enough money. If you guys know my parents or other family... Hahaha. Make them kulit... "Hey, Jay wants..." teeeheee. DO IT! And if anyone of you out there want to gift me one of these gifts from God. Wow. Yeah. Comment immediately and I will get in touch with you ASAP. And i mean ASAP. :)

PS. I also need a good classical with a cut-away if possible now that I'm doing a lot of classical stuff. Yeah. Really. That is all. I shall go on dreaming now. Cheers.

The Perfect Jeepney Seat.

Mood: Thoughtful
Music: Fallout Boy - Dance Dance

It occured to me today that I don't know the ideal place to sit on a jeepney when riding one, even though I ride them practically every day. Examining the options, you have either close to the driver all the way in, towards the middle, or near the exit. I think it was natural tendency for me to sit near the driver at first, I don't know why, but I soon became very aware of the barrage of lose change that comes your way with the accompanying "Bayad po." Yeah, talk about hassle, especially if you're trying to zone out and not do anything while minding your own business. Or when you're trying to listen to that one really kick ass song as loud as possible on your ipod/discman/what-have-you and the people next to you poke you or tell you to take your headphones off so they can pass you their change to give to the driver. Oh joy.

But then again, you don't wanna sit near the exit as well... you have to deal with the constant passage of people. People getting on the damn tin truck, and people getting off the thing. And not matter where you sit, it's bloody hot anyways. At least during the daytime. If the fact that the sardine can on wheels insulates enough heat to roast a small animal isn't enough to titilate your sweatglands, the bodyheat created by the usual horde of people that pack into those things like circus clowns into those tiny circus cars surely will. But I mean.. it's cheap and effective transpo. And sometimes it's the only way to get where you're going. Not to mention it's a beloved part of our local culture, along with the tricycle/pedicab, kesong puti, the Philippine eagle, excessive u-turn slots, tardiness, traffic, pointing with our mouths and "psst..." among many other things.

Sitting in the middle might make you prone to an equally annoying dose of both the "Bayad po's" and "Excuse po." Hmm. Decisions, decisions. Then there are just those times that the damn thing is so packed and the conductor or driver tells you to get in and you're like... "Where?!" But I digress. Moving on, the pros of riding a jeep at night are many. It's usually pretty cool no matter where you sit with the breeze coming in through, and the amount of passengers on average is usually reduced, meaning having to worry about less people "Bayad po-ing" and "Excuse me po-ing" you. Perhaps the only con might be that it's less safe? But when you have no choice. Well. That's self-explanatory. Or when you're on a tight budget. That's self-explanatory too. And so, I have come to the conclusion that finding the right seat on a jeepney is a secret and challenging artform-one which many don't even consider, let alone try and practice. (myself included. Well. Maybe not after this) But, for all that blabbing, I still don't know where that ideal puesto for your ass inside the tin can on wheels is. Please post your ideas. Happy commuting all.

WELL DUH IN THE FRONT BUT YOU BARELY EVER GET TO RIDE THERE!!!! Haha.

Wala Lang. Randomnations.

Mood: Ok lang po.
Music: Thrice - Red Sky

Things have been ok. Yet again, not really so much time to do anything online or on the computer for that matter. Busy with work, school, and life out there in the "real" world. HA. That's a lie. Anyways. Nothing really new is up. Parents are getting stricter, so I've been at home a lot more lately and earlier. Cleveland is on an 8 game winning streak. I LOVE IT. Hmmm. Yeah.

Band stuff is coming along nicely. Jammed with Sutil last week and we should be recording a demo soon. Hans and I jammed the other day and we made the most progress in a long long time. I think the wheels are pretty much turning smoothly now. Since Han's didn't really buy into the whole "Yes Ma'am!" bandname idea, we agreed on "French Maid Weaponry" for now... but I think that's a keeper. I liked it to begin with, but it keeps growing on me. We pretty much finished up another song called "Hold Your Breath" which I really like...

Went to Baguio over the past weekend with M's family, which was really fun. I miss the cold weather already dammit. Pucha. And... I don't normally do shit like this. But what the hey. Cool beans. Thanks M. Night.


Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

But I don't have a heroin habit? X_x

Just Wondering...

Can everyone fart while pissing simultaneously? Hmmm...

Still Can't Sleep.

Mood: Still fucking shitty.
Music: The Spill Canvas - The Tide

Is all I’m good at hating things about and feeling sorry for myself? I don’t know. What do I know? I don't know either. I want to talk to M. I hate how I tell myself I'm not getting dependent, but somewhere I know it's a little to late for that. I'm really really scared. The damage this volcano can do should it erupt seems more than I'm willing to handle or would like to see inflicted. And yet I'd want nothing more than for it to be dormant forever. Forever's a long time.

Here. Again.

Mood: Suddenly Very Depressed
Music: Sleeping At Last - Ghosts

Why’d I look at it again?

I couldn’t sleep. It was like I was itching to. This time I took more time… soaked it all in. It bothered me yesterday, isn’t once enough? And now my thoughts and emotions are racing. For some reason it makes me question myself. It makes me hate all the things that aren’t good enough… all the things that should be better. All the things I wish I was but am not. All the things that would be better for them. For her. For me. It all starts with the jealousy. Then comes the doubt. Then the comparisons. What you can’t do, what you should be able to do. Issues, issues, issues. Then the floodgates open.

I hate my jealousy. I hate my masochism. I hate my doubting. I hate that I have nothing to show for. I hate that I’m always second-guessing my dreams and myself. I hate that I’m so insecure I’m scared of everything. I hate how I can’t be cooler. I hate how I can’t be dorkier. I hate how everything, whether I like it or not, turns into a competition - a comparison; another way to make me feel better or worse about myself. I hate how I feel bad when I see the good in others and how I feel good when I see worse than myself in others. I hate how I almost never finish what I start. I hate how all the ideas I have never are put into practice. I hate how those ideas are shared with everyone and the expectations that follow, and the disappointment that follows the expectations after that. I hate that I lie. I hate that I overanalyze. I hate how I self-sabotage. I hate how there are so many things I want to do that I never even begin. I hate how even when I want something so bad, sometimes I can’t even bring myself to put in one iota of effort to attain them. I hate how at the same time, sometimes, I want something so bad I’ll do anything to get it and i don't have to think twice to exert the effort, but it's never for the right thing. I hate how I can’t be objective when thinking about myself. I hate that I can’t sing well. I hate that I can’t dance well. I hate that I never learned to use Photoshop properly. I hate that I never learned to play the bassoon when I was a kid. I hate how I still can’t read treble clef. I hate that I can’t draw. I hate that I convince myself I believe in me when everyone tells me they do, fully knowing that the most likely reason I hate and hate and hate is that I don’t. I hate that I never continued a lot of the things I was considered good at when I was young. I hate that I stopped reading. I hate that I didn't do as well in school as I could have. I hate that I lost some sense of right and wrong along the way. I hate most of my past. I hate my lack of discipline. I hate my defensiveness. I hate my extreme personality and hate how I love it at the same time. I hate how I sometimes do and say without thinking. I hate how I can be oblivious. I hate how I can’t understand, and I hate how I hate not understanding. I hate the fact that I know what’s wrong with me and yet never seem to do anything about it. I hate the way I deal with my emotions. I hate the way I always act all right when I’m not, even when there shouldn’t be anything wrong. I hate the way I keep the important things to myself, even when I’m trying so hard to bring it all out. I hate the way that I can’t let go of things. I hate the way I get so easily affected by certain things. I hate the way that my feelings take hold of me sometimes. I hate how I can’t just be happy when I have every reason to be. I hate how I break down and cry when I’m all alone; just when everything should be ok – when you have the one thing in the world that makes everything alright, but at the same time all your misery springs from the thought of it.

Why am I crying again?

The Question of the Blog.

Mood: Inquisitive
Music: Alexisonfire - Control

So yeah, it's been another long ass period without me having posted anything. What, something like a month and a half, maybe more? I'm not really sure anymore. It doesn't even matter. Basta. Tagal na.

Sitting here typing this, I'm beginning to wonder why I keep a blog at all. It's not like highschool anymore. Those days were made possible by the immense amount of free time created by my apathy towards responsibility, my own DSL connection (accompanied naturally by my ever faithful extra appendage, my laptop) and I dunno. Basta, accessible computer and internet, anytime I wanted. Naturally, things have changed. Can't avoid the inevitable. So now the only real computer I use is the one in the den here at my dad's place. For starters, let me have you take note of a few things just to give you an idea of the initial problem: time on the internet itself.

1. The den is usually locked late at night, and the keys are kept in the kitchen, which, from my room, is only accessible through the dining room, which too, is usually looked late at night. Guess where the keys are? Yup, kitchen.

2. In direct relation to #1, more often than not, I'm in the mood to do all my shit online at insane hours of the night/early morning. I don't know if it's due to my nocturnal tendencies, when I'm actually home... whatever... basta, yun yun.

3. When I'm actually home during the day, I must compete with my Multiply/Friendster/YM frenzied sisters with social lives and well-being that revolve around aforementioned worlds, not to my mention my dad and kuya, who each admit to their obsessions to online card games and things of the like.

4. I'm never bloody home anymore.

I mean... 99% of the time I think of something to write, there is no computer to be found, much less internet. And that's just the initial problem. I mean, in the old days, my laptop would be sitting on my desk in my room connected to the internet 24/7... even if I wasn't home, the computer was the first thing I would touch the minute I got back. Even drunk and about to pass out after a night on the town, I can remember countless times sitting half conscious in front of that bloody laptop talking to some poor soul on MSN who had to put up with my crap, or blogging, or checking my email or whatever before I crashed. My computer was my life. It was hooked up to my speakers which were mounted on the walls... Everything and anything I did was through my computer. I didn't have a tv in the house, nor would I use it even if i did.

Blogs seem to be perfect for the person who's world revolves around their computer. Problem is, mine isn't anymore, regardless of whether I prefer it that way or not. That's a discussion for another day. (I'm not sure I'm so sad about that anymore)

Moving on though, i'm really beginning to wonder what the point is anymore. I mean... I used to blog to release things, or because maybe I felt like it, or maybe there was something I thought I wanted to share. I think sometimes it got to the point where I felt like I was obligated to say something... I hate that. And I don't see the point in writing about the "I did this, i did that" blah blah... first of all, who the fuck cares? And does it provide some sort of catharsic release? No, not really. Ok, maybe once in a blue moon. If you ask me, it's seems more of a habit than therapy after a while. Perhaps we're all just a little vain and like to think somewhere in the back of our minds that people actually give two shits about what we did today, even if we ourselves didn't really. At least, not enough to make a big deal about it and put it on the internet. And yet, we do. Why? Because chances are, someone will read it, and you know what? That feels good. But seriously, its a good question to ask one's self: How self serving can you get?

And then once in a while maybe you think you write something creative or that actually has meaning and you post it up there. Maybe people will comment. Hey, sometimes people comment on the "blah-blah" posts. Face it, no matter how much you try and admit it, everyone who maintains a blog, even in the slightest bit, expects SOMEONE to read it, and takes pleasure in knowing that that's happened.

Yeah, comments make you feel good. (How little of your own thought do you want to keep?)

Sometimes even the shitty ones; they're enough to tell you that someone is taking interest in your existence. People are indirectly involved in your life, your world, your thoughts, your process. And it feels good. But it's all so robotic. So mechanical. It's like a pop culture based on wires and 0's and 1's that's just been disguised by layers of human input. Emotion her, poetry there, literary flair there... but it's not real. It's not tangible. People end up devoting so much time to putting up all these words and experiences on the internet, commenting and questioning all these things... to what avail? Hell, sometimes people just put up things they find amusing... those little quizzes, a comic strip... whatever.

I think what I'm trying to say is sometimes it really bothers me because after a while, it seems the lives that are led aren't real. When the servers all crash and everything goes to shit and no one has a single archived post out there... what's left? Where's the real world? Where did all that time go? What happened to going out and doing something, instead of talking about it in words online? Cuz if it all disappears one day, what do you gain out of it all, as opposed to going out there and doing it the real way? It becomes a habit that takes away time from so much of the real things in life. All you'd be left of is memories of countless moments spent in front of the computer screen physically idle mentally masturbating as your scratch your itch for that online culture, recollections of old posts and comments and perhaps even a whole folder of backed up entries and old avatars that you painstakingly worked on just so that your comments would leave an impression whether you had something to really say or not.

And I'm not saying it's all bad. It just makes you wonder. Because as I've said, ostensibly, it's fulfilling in many aspects... but you have to wonder. So is heroine. So is the sex before you find out they have AIDs. Go figure. (But ok, maybe those were a little heavy. :p)

And the interesting thing is half the time bloggers are the overanalytical type... the overthinkers and the out of the boxers... the creators and movers... the paradigm of such intellectuals in certainly not helped by a world that promotes thought over action. Hell, already by its nature the blog world is conducive to circular logic and thought. And usually for the aforementioned personas. Well. That = paralysis. It's like defeating yourself over and over and over again by doing the same things and expecting the same results. And you go bitch about it online, cuz it's what you do and it makes you feel better. And you share what you think you could have done better... what went wrong... what else you could have/should have done... and people will tell you it's ok, or people will give advice... some people may attack you... but it's your world, and you're stuck in it.. an endless circle of answer and reply, do you care if i care, what do you think of this, should I shouldn't I, Me me me, you you you, he said, she said, fuck it all, I love, I hate it, I want, I don't want, I like, I think, I feel, I fear, maybe, always, today, now, forever, childhood, school, work, people, time, space, good, bad, right, wrong... THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK. Vomit.

So ask yourself. When will THINK ever be more than DO? (Sadly. Depressingly. Never.)

And you never know who reads the stuff.. I mean, maybe you do. But sometimes I think about the concept of just shitting out so much of yourself for people to read, self-serving or not, and it sickens me. And sometimes I realize that this whole world of blogging is like... just a bunch of people who want to be heard who scratch each others backs. And sometimes I wonder if i really want to be part of that. Sometimes I wonder if I have that much time to devote, seeing as I've actually discovered there is life without being glued to a computer all the time. And you miss so much - you really do. And this is coming from former mr. "I never leave my computer... ever" mind you.

And he's done it again. THINK THINK THINK is what I just did and I just vomited a completely unorganized thought-fart onto the internet. But there's something behind it... if it's not clear to you (if anyone does read this) it's beginning to come into shape in my mind. Maybe it'll be more cohesive in the morning. To blog or not to blog, that is the question. Maybe my frustration really just does come from not have the time or access to write whenever I want to, and I'm just ranting my ass off cuz i think blogging is great, and I am self-serving and all those things. So what. Say what you think and do what you want, cuz the people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind. OK JAY GO TO BED. STOP THINKING. HERE WE GO AGAIN. EXPECT MORE SOON. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!