Mood: Introspective
Music: ... A blow to the face. Seriously. Maybe that's what it took. My entire life has brought me to this and maybe for once I'm beginning to see the big picture. And not my big picture-how mine fits into the big-BIG picture. Maybe I get it now. At my convenience I've neglected my own place in the big picture, should it make gratify me. Along the way, this left a lot of room for neglect, absolutely no respect for authority should it jeopardize my ephemeral desire, and an inability to be consistent among many other things.
It's scary looking back on where I've come from on how easily I can disregard anything and anyone at the bat of an eyelash should it contradict my momentary desire-or how I live in a world of excuses because I'm just looking for a reason to get away with my indulgences rather than actually find a solution. Am I sick? I don't know. Maybe the cure is being aware, as I am now.
It's scary how I'm so polar. I can be likened to a damn fireworks show. I can light up the sky or burn a house down. The even scarier thing is that I can swing either way depending on what I decide to do with myself. The same energy that I have within that is capable of sending me to live out my dreams in the stars is quite capable of rocketing me down into the ground harder and faster than an overpowered oil rig operated by a drunk, possessed, scary, evil, old man with numerous tattoos, three children and a pot-belly. (Many of those adjectives have no relevance what so ever to the simile, however do add to the imagery. And. I dunno. Whatever)
I guess its physics. My high potential amounts to the possibility of both very high positive and negative polarities. Ok. Enough science. The point is. I'm self-absorbed. Not to be confused with selfish. Though often times I'm that too. I almost never see the big picture larger than what applies to me, nor do I ever seem to see how I fit into the big scheme of things, ergo I don't see how I affect the people that I co-exist with. And I wonder why I have relationship problems. I feel unfit to be a fucking person sometimes. But now is not time for self-pity. Time to rectify my mistakes I guess... I have to learn to work with people some day or else I'm in trouble. And I don't mean on the superficial level. It's always "of course I can do that" in my head, but it's also always easier said than done. I just hope it's not too late. And I swear, I have to learn to deal with authority and learn to prioritize. Seriously.
No one ever told me that the human race wasn't necessarily the humane race. No one ever told me that the latter was the one that made the world go 'round either. I had to learn that on my own... next lesson is becoming part of it.
