On The Road...

Mood: Tired
Music: Taking Back Sunday - Bonus Mosh, Pt.2

It's been three days now since I haven't been home. I can't decide if I feel like it's been a long overdue holiday or a stressful panic driven struggle to get my shit in order. Whatever the case, it hasn't been all that bad. I was a bit ticked off at my mother, not so much for kicking me out, but more for trying to cut off my lifelines one by one once I had already left the house by telling certain people not to help me out. What can you do?

I've been staying with my friend Alec since Monday night, but he's in school most of the day so I don't see much of him. I'm really happy that his family took me in without any qualms; I've always been close to them and he's one of my best friends, so I guess it's no big surprise... maybe it's my good karma for helping some people out when they got kicked out. My turn now I guess? Haha. But it hasn't been bad really... I've had at least two square meals a day, a bed to sleep in, clothes on my back... Aside from being broke off my ass and being a confused person in general, life's good.

In all seriousness though, I've been trying to be quite serious about getting my shit together now that I've been away from home. Maybe I just needed to get outa that hellhole to do it, who knows. So far, I've mad a couple phone calls and done some homework talking to connections and such. I was supposed to go to UP today to see what i could do about getting into the school of music there, but there was a big logistical fuckup, so that'll have to wait until tomorrow I guess. On Friday and Saturday theres one of those UK college fair chuba chuba ek ek bullshit thingies in town, so I'll be sure to check that out. It's at Edsa Shang, walking distance from where I'm staying, so logistics should really be no problem.

Been doing a lot of thinking though about how my life is really gonna work out. For the first time in a long while, I feel undecided again, but i think its just a battle between reason and emotion. I'm just giving myself time to resolve internal conflict. Anyways, I've just been killing time while Alec finishes his exam and its over now so I have to go meet him... This fucky i-net cafe's browser settings are fucked and cookies are disabled (only a retarded gazelle would know why) so I can't get into my email, much to my annoyance, so sorry if I don't email for a while. My bad. I'll try and check in again when I can get to cheaper i-net (by cheap i mean free) or when I can exploit the charity of people again. Laters.

Swing And A Miss... Strike Three

Mood: Surprisingly Apathetic
Music: Jimi Hendrix - Highway Chile

Looks like I need to eat the words from my other day's post... I quote myself - "Maybe tomorrow will be different." You bet your ass today is different. At six this morning I got kicked out of my house... Just finished packing my stuff and am leaving the house in a few minutes. I really have no clue where the hell I'm going to go and I have less than 5 pesos to my name, though I have a couple hundred bucks in the bank if worse comes to worst. Thank God for ATMs.

The way I see it though, maybe this is what I needed. A kick in the ass to get my lif e moving, whether its good, bad, right or wrong, just a catalyst to do SOMETHING with myself. Of course, the situation that is forcing me to move is not exactly favorable, but like I said, sometimes what you need is what sucks the most. I'm not too worried about myself; I know I'll be fine. I've been out there on my own before and its not like I'll be starving on street corners living in cardboard boxes. I'm resourceful enough, I believe. I hope.

Packing my things was like a catharsis of sorts. It was almost as if I was just waiting for an excuse to get up and go... like I wanted out of here a long time ago, but I didn't want the action to come from me and now, here I am forced into a situation that I can't help but think in some twisted way I've been wanting. Here's your chance at the big show, here's your ticket. Go get it. Of course theres all those negative thoughts and emotions inside as well, like fear, pain, confusion... but those take a backseat. They're all too familiar. If anything I'm wondering how my relationship with my family will be in the near future. Right now, all I guess I'm truly concerned about is getting my feet out the door and beginning the process of making myself. For all of the people that doubt me or don't believe in me... (i.e. my mother) i'll show you. Happy Valentines day people. I'm not bound to forget this one soon. Don't know when you'll hear from me next, but I'll try and keep everyone updated.

And now I know what I've been waiting for. I've been standing on a ledge, scared to jump... I've been waiting for a push to come to do what I couldn't bring myself to. I'm already flying through the air.

Yeah, his guitar slung across his back
His dusty boots is his cadillac
Flamin' hair just a blowin' in the wind
Ain't seen a bed in so long it's a sin
He left home when he was seventeen
The rest of the world he had longed to see
But everybody knows the boss
A rolling stone who gathers no moss

But you'd probably call him a tramp
But it goes a little deeper than that
He's a highway chile, yeah

Now some people say he had a girl back home
Who messed around and did him pretty wrong
They tell me it kinda hurt him bad
Kinda made him feel pretty sad
I couldn't say what went through his mind
Anyway, he left the world behind
But everybody knows the same old story,
In love and war you can't lose in glory

Now you'd probably call him a tramp
But I know it goes a little deeper than that
He's a highway chile

Walk on brother, yeah
One more brother

His old guitar slung across his back
His dusty boots is his cadillac
Flamin' hair just a blowin' in the wind
Ain't seen a bed in so long it's a sin

Now you may call him a tramp
But I know it goes a little deeper than that
He's a highway chile

Walk on brother
Don't let no one stop you
Highway chile
Yeah yeah yeah
Highway chile
Go on down the highway
Highway chile
Yeah yeah yeah
Highway chile

Happy Sappy Love Day!

Love is in the putrid air!

Mood: Nonchalant
Music: Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love

So it's that sappy time of year again when chocolate and cards sales are up, sex is rampant, Hallmark CEO's are ecstatic, and I'm alone. I mean, I have a valentine and I love her to death, but she's not here with me and it sucks, but that's beside the point, I digress...

Valentines day is a holiday created by entrepreneurs capitalizing on the romanticism of the human race. They were smart. I have to admit, I actually do have a soft spot for the holiday. (even though ill never admit to it and proclaim with emphasis that its a "STUPID FUCKING PSUEDOHOLIDAY" if you confront me about it) But, its one of those holidays that is so emotionally powered that I can't help but add some fun into it all the time. I'm starting a new tradition this year thanks to a friend and sharing hate poetry with the world on Valentines, just to spice things up a bit. And everyone needs to go check out the Happy Tree Friends Valentine's Smoochie while it's still up because you're twisted sense of humor says so. (click on the cute little picture or on the link in the previous sentence then go to "Watch Valentines Smoochie" to do that cuz Mondo Films webmasters are high-tech and use targets so I can't put a direct link up) That being said, here's the hate poetry. (that I didn't write mind you)

I wish my tongue were a quiver the size of a huge cask
Packed and crammed with long black venomous rankling darts.
I'd fling you more full of them, and joy in the task,
Than ever Sebastian was, or Caesar, with thirty-three swords in his heart.

I'd make a porcupine out of you, or a pincushion, say;
The shafts should stand so thick you'd look like a headless hen
Hung up by the heels, with the long bare red neck
Stretching, curving, and dripping away
From the soiled floppy ball of ruffled feathers standing on end.

You should bristle like those cylindrical brushes they use to scrub out bottles
Not even to reach the kindly earth with the soles of your prickled feet,
And I would stand by and watch you wriggle and writhe,
Gurgling through the barbs in your throttle
Like a woolly caterpillar pinned on its back - man, that would be sweet.

Remember the days in elementary school where everyone gave out valentines and candy to everyone? And like... The guys would give the other guys cards with incredibly well thought out winning phrases on them like "You're an Awesome Valentines friend!" along with numerous images of your choice (or not-so-choice) cartoon character, and the opposite sexes would convene in groups to point and giggle at the other? Yeah, seems like light years away. I think about it now though, and I can't decide if it was the cutest thing or if I want to puke. Whatever, it made me happy then (I think? As happy as I could have been back then, I was a relatively unhappy child) and I guess I'll let that memory last.

For all you love struck people out there, enjoy the holiday and use it as an excuse for sappy over-romanticism. Wait till next week to do that and you'll be accused of being a pathological sap, I kid you not. Don't say I didn't warn you. Be good, kids - play nice. Be safe! *cough cough* Haha. Be prepared. Lol. That is all.

Waiting For Clarity...

Mood: Distraught
Music: 30 Seconds to Mars - Echelon

Ever feel like a badly drawn zombie festooned with entirely too many cheap prosthetics from a horribly miscasted low budget b-thriller? If you don't feel like shit, you know you look like it and by the time everyone sees you, their reactions will convince you otherwise, and you'll feel like you're worth your weight in dollar-store merchandise. (during clearance sale week)

I looked at myself in the mirror when I woke up today and I had a combination of the overbearing feelings of helplessness, self-pity, stagnation, and hatred that I'm beginning to think is one of the many side-effects of prolonged boredom and depression. It's not unfamiliar at all; On the contrary, I'm beginning to be really sick of how familiar its become and even sicker at what seems to be my inability to remedy it.

I'm really beginning to wonder about my worth as a human being. I'm really beginning to wonder if I can do anything without being led by the hand, spoon fed - it seems to me that I've never been so alone in the world, and I've never been so incapable of doing anything in life. Does this mean that I am so far gone down the scale that I'm the furthest thing from independent? Am I so helpless that I just cannot function without the love and support of others? I mean, we all need love, we all need support, but at the end of the day, its you, yourself and that weird voice who whispers dirty thoughts in your head, but he doesn't count. I know I'm not all grown up and ready to face the world, but I always thought I was much more self-reliant than the last few weeks have proven.

I have literally festered on my ass. I have made no significant progress in any direction towards getting my life straight, with the exception of maybe a little backwards, and the consequences are starting to pile up; so much so that I'm already at a point where I'm not sure I can handle them. And then I think... If all the people I wanted to be around were here, if all the things I felt that were missing were suddenly there, would that expedite anything? Would it be some miracle that overnight all of a sudden made everything better and work? Maybe its a placebo effect. Maybe I'm living in a world of my own false hopes and illusions.

Someone told me the other day that I live my life constantly waiting for something. They're right. I'm waiting. And I'm waiting. I don't know why I'm waiting for something that'll never come - a miracle. Be the miracle, I say, and the voices echo. Easier said than done. I'll probably wake up tomorrow and ask "what does today hold for me?" And, if you go by past experience, I'll sit around and wait for the day to tell me. Maybe tomorrow will be different. But tomorrows always different. Doesn't that make it the same? *sighs* Ride the pig, we say, ride the pig...

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results."

A Saturday Well Spent?

" A Capital Bore"

Mood: Bored
Music: Glassjaw - Ape Dos Mil

Well, I guess today was an alright day, relative to the absolute boredom that has been ever-present in my life as of late. I woke up shortly after noon (that's actually pretty good these days) spending some time online dicking around, then took a shower and got dressed to bring my little brother to a play date at the Lilles' - always good fun. Though the Ayala sisters might not be around these days, I still manage to have fun over there, whether its with the adorable kids or equally adorable mother haha. I love that family. And I love that house. I mean, I guess I shouldn't fail to mention the food... and the ginourmous TV; a monstrosity so large I needed to make up an adjective for it. People who've seen it know exactly what I'm talking about.

From their house we moved on to Eastwood for bowling. YES. Bowling. I'm a horrible bowler. I had lots of fun making a fool of myself, while in the lane next to me my little brother (mind you the kids got bumpers!) officially made a mockery of my score, depressing. But good fun nonetheless. And I dedicated all my strikes to you nikkiepooop :) My mom showed up with Bianca, my little sister later on, and after summore bowling and some pizza, we all moved on to pool, which is thankfully much more my element, at least compared to bowling, and I felt vindicated, albeit however slight.

The adults (me, my mom, tita cecille and tito rob) + my sister decided to watch a movie after ditching the kids.(sending them home, ok... we're not that mean) My mom was set on The Phantom of the Opera, and since she was paying, I didn't complain. I remember liking the musical the few times I saw it, so what the hell I thought, whatever. Damn, I should have known better. Not only is the musical phenomenally better, the movie drags to kingdom come and offers second rate soundtrack and vocal work. (which features experiments with some odd new age synergy that left me going "this is killing the fucking musical") I think the only thing that made it worthwhile was the really hot chick who played the main part and the occasional artistic shot or above-par cinamatography. Notice, I said occasional. And I think the sound in the theatre was much too loud. Whatever the case, the movie left my ear drums hurting, my consciousness desperately needing a nap, and my soul utterly depressed - but I'm subjective to any movie with love and romance in the plot these days, on top of my already overly romantic tendencies. So shoot me. Bianca freaked out, it was definitely not her movie... age appropriate? I think not. Mother should have known better, but oh well. I'm sure bibinka would have much preferred staying at home watching wrestling or simple plan videos on MTV.

But, I'm not really complaining. I got out of the house today. Yay! I saw people other than my immediate family today. Yay! I saw civilization and a movie, in a mall! WOW! Progress, not perfection we say. Until next time, cheers.

Swaye Slips Away...

Swaye... so... beautiful.... *sighs*

Mood: Whiny
Music: Alexisonfire - "Hey, It's Your Funeral Mama"

The other week, I found the beautiful peace of luthier work shown above on Ebay at a minimum bid of $650 dollars, a few hours before closing. Not a single person had bidded. I checked it out and emailed the owner, who told me the guitar was in excellent condition, sent me some pics, and told me about the minor modifications it had undergone, as well as a brief history of its ownership. For those of you that don't know, that gift from god is a 62' Fender Jaguar reissue in 3-tone sunburst with a brown shell pickguard - in other words, my dream guitar. Also for those of you that don't know, normally that bitch sells at over $1,300 off the shelf. -_- What I would have done for $650.

Probably would have sold my soul or something. I mean, a deal like that doesn't come your way in a lifetime. I was so shocked when i saw it i wanted to wet myself. But what can you do right? I've resigned myself to be comforted in the hopes that i will be filthy rich one day and have ten. Until then, i will shed invisible tears for the jaguar that i could have had, but not so much. (who i named Swaye, btw) *sighs* I guess I'm just feeling bitchy and whiny. I mean, I'm whiny about a guitar. Lol. That must say something. Laters.

The Little Blips...

Here's one definitely for nostalgia. My message to the class of '04, June 2, 2004.

Mood: Mellow
Music: Sublime - What I Got

Now that I have a bit of time out from it all to think, it all seems quite funny. Up until grad day, the event seemed so fantastical, surreal - mythical even, if you will. The fiction has been shoved and stuffed time and again into your head that it is the definitive moment that symbolizes the end of adolescence, entrance of your no longer childish self and peers into the "real" big bad world out there, the death of "fucking around" and the beginning of real consequences for ill advised choices. You look forward to the day, pray that it comes sooner. The end of the homework, exams... you can't wait to get out into the world, yet you don't wanna leave the world of high school behind; graduation becomes synonymous with the inexplicable bittersweet stereotype of emotions that people like the hallmark company shove down the throats of the masses. So the day comes, you walk the stage, and the emotions surge through you, and you expect the worst. Some will cry, some will smile, but all in all, nothings changed. So you've gotten your high school diploma. Whoop de doo. Real world? If you think the real world is waiting for you "out there," think for a moment and reflect... real world out there as opposed to "pseudo-world" of the past? I think not. So for the most part, we'll be a little less sheltered, a little further from home, but none the less alive, accountable for ourselves and human as we ever were. It's like a young boy waking up on his sixth birthday, running into the bathroom and looking into the mirror only to complain to mom and dad that he doesn't look any older. So enjoy the revelry while it lasts; afterall we did get through it all together. We shared good times, bad times, insane times, sober times, not so sober times, angry times, hard times, easy times... time time time, its all just a blip on the timeline of life. But remember each dot, for they are the little pixels that make the fabric of our lives. A secret smile shared with a friend, a mischievous application of a distasteful condiment on a friend's selection of food that left them chasing you, a heart warming hug, a kind word, a long and meaningful conversation, a tear stained with mascara that was wiped by a caring hand, a big smile, a guffaw that can be heard all through out the hallways. Remember; mock, laugh, hate, cherish, smile, cry, but remember. For graduation is synonymous with a stereotype of brainwashed emotions afterall - fuck that, you know immediately when it happens to you that its about everything that got you there along the way. And no, it's not over. So run to the mirror; not to see the changes in your face or the older countenace staring back, but to get ready to go out with friends, watch a movie, have dinner out, chill out. It's not the end. Here's to many more blips. *clink* Thanks for a bitchin' four years. - Rogoff

Insomnia

Another old one - May 12, 2004.

Mood: Exanimate
Music: Radiohead - Idioteque

Fine line between reality and fiction blurs at the tick of the second hand; it beats, piercing through the noise of the living, tick, tock, tick, tock, weathering away your mortality. Stare into blank space, wonder what you're really looking at. What are these voices in my head? What do you want from me? This isn't some weird paranoia, this is limbo.

Time is an abstraction in a world of definites. Tick tock tick tock, it reminds you of its presence. Vision is smeared, the words stop making sense, I can't remember anything. I've lost track of dimensions and space, I'm swimming in galactical abstractions. The only thing permeating into the mind right now is the tick and the tock, and the loud drone of the music emerging from somewhere behind me. I close my eyes. Black. Stay shut... take me away into unconsciousness. No, you won't... masochism disguised by what seems to be a taunting sadistic endeavor, curses. Reality seems so far away... the exam in the hours ahead, responsibility, the concerns of the living... So far away they seem fictional. Tick tock tick tock. Oh they're quite real. Take me away. Take me now.

Lingering...

Here's an old one from May 8, 2004. The mood and music was as it was when i posted it back then. More to follow.

Mood: Drained
Music: Tool - Schism

It lingers still... remnants of a whole that began to erode a long time ago in the chasms within, but nonetheless, fragments remain. Shards of glass, broken into pieces, cutting me from the inside. I can see my reflection in them, smeared with the crimson juice of my own making, and I want to hide from the mirrored image.

Insecurity.

Trauma past, trauma future, tell me mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most scared and scarred of them all? Should I smash you into pieces, will you take this with you to the grave? Lingering... fuck off you mimicking glass, no loitering on the grasses of my insides. Goddamn I wish I had automatic sprinklers. You'd love those I'm sure. Perfect time to leave, your eviction notice has long since been tacked upon your door; you've overstayed your welcome, you're just lucky I haven't figured out how to oust you yet. Shithead.

Look at the shit you get me into. Fear leads to annoyance on the part of others. It bugs them. Why must you be feeble in that regard? For what reason? We don't know. Exit for your own good... or rather mine. Don't be a selfish sod, you worthless piece of shit, you very well know you tax me by staying. I bid you adieu forever. Close your eyes; the sandman awaits, you shall never awaken now. Sweet dreams.

Closure. Relief. Complacency. Exhale. Breathing again... *smile* Good Riddance.

Curses.

Mood: Apathetic
Music: Dallas Green - Like Knives

*sighs*

Because I am officially a retard and didn't update my livejournal in like... lets just say much much much too long, i lost it somehow. So, for you people that followed my lj... err sorry about that. There weren't too many of you anyways hehe. It's been entirely too long since I stopped blogging and I figured I should get into the habit again. I think it's come to the point where there are too many little thoughts running across my head like infants with wet diapers, and the accumulation of such thoughts over the past few months have seemingly begun to act as a catalyst for my slow dive further into insanity. Wooohooo! Time to let the diapered infants run amuck on the world wide web again. Haha.

Besides, Blogger has much better picture support than livejournal... That was gay. Though it doesn't have that whole "mood" and "music" thing. Whatever. I'll do that myself. If i feel like it. Sometimes on lj I'd spend more time thinking about what my mood was than writing whatever it was I had to post. Hassle, actually. Over the next few days, don't expect any substantial posting. I might just post some old stuff from the old livejournal that i might still have on the computer if i get around to looking for them. Anyways, until then, cheers.